Sitting in front of the computer, i scroll down the page aimlessly while my memories flash back to the days when i'm still in the life game.
i was thinking who i am when God so love me. He removes all the burden in me and calm the stormy waters. i have been humble or maybe depressed to have His mercy to wash off my sins.
i have win out all the troubles to make myself an obedient bookworm in others' point of view. Nonetheless, i feel discontented when people judge me a very obedient baby. I live in this world in a way that i care so much about how people look at and judge about me. And needless to say, i have lost the real me. I feel no aim of living but somehow, i can still be able to hold His hand whenever i fall.
People think i'm a very bright student with a lot of possibilities headed in front of me. Although my academic results tend to awe others but i feel no pride about it. I'm doing these because i feel i'm responsible to. This is actually not what i want; however, i don't know exactly what i want.
Basically and apparently i know nothing about myself. When people bring on a question about what i will be in the future, i will always respond it with a shrug. I have no idea about it. People judge a person by his or her personalities and consider if they suit a certain career's criteria. The point is i don't know what my real personalities are. I'm even confused about if i should involve in arts or sciences.
ASEAN scholarship is way ahead of me. It's approaching me nearer and closer. I heard from others that it will be a very tough test. I don't know. Every exams are just a burden for me. I was so shocked when i received the news that it will only take 30 minutes for a 350 words essay. That's damn hard for me. I was wondering how singapore students pull themselves through these frigging exams.
As the saying goes, ' the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence', i live in a society which people compare one another within a wide range of rival groups. On the top of it, i'm stupidly involve in this everlasting rival. I always think that i should utilise all my abilities and strain all my efforts to be the best of the best. However the results disappoint me so much that it affects my emotional health now and then.
Even though i have gained my parents' approval for a long distance away to kuching in order to have the test, but i think somehow, this particular ASEAN scholarship selective test involves luck. I doubt the probability of getting the access for the further interview successfully. Many things are out of our reach and realm of control.
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