Yesterday my sister came out with a problem required me to really mulling over how to deal with so-as I do hope so- it could be out of the way . That problem was what I had tried so much to shun and still, it couldn’t always be in the condition I left. It’s all about social problem.
I know I have only a few friends to live my life and that’s the thing I give way to helpless misery. She said I was an utterly different person when I went outdoors, compared to being at home. At home, I could flung off any anxiety and going happy-go-lucky and on the contrary, she didn’t see one time of my face wasn’t lodged in a worried line over my anxious eyes when I was outside.
‘So, you always have to be set in your way of putting on mask to live your eternity?’ it’s a rhetorical question instead of a statement.
I think I really do good in concealing my really hideous identity but actually it fails to the extend that I feel I’m doing nothing but to mocking myself. To reserve remoteness towards others' way of thinking is a tough thing to do. I think myself could have easily done presenting myself affably and maturely in peoples’ perspective of view.
My hideous identity is a foolish clown making people laugh the whole way and would not let them stop thinking of making fun at me like a freak. The hell don't they know how frail my self-esteem and dare to shatter it so cruelly. Every night thinking of my stupid childhood life has made me recoiling in the waves of pains and fears that have only lapped at me before now and I could bet them rear high up and wash over my head, pulling me under.
Time passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but passes it does. It’s unfortunately to say but, it has perforated a hole in my chest, a very negative impact in my life bigger even larger than you can imagine. It’s bad to have plague in the very past, flashing now and maybe the future that I couldn’t seem to shake.
I know it’s all too abstract and only profession in psychology can help to bring a solution in due course. I am so lucky and blessed to have a religion I have hold to. God have always been the refuge during the most painful spasm. If I have recognised it, I could have foreseen my prospective future. It’s so negative that I could have been psychopaths, drug-addict or even worse. I can feel my gloomy future as I- now and then- having a gnawing craving raging inside me which never been quenched out of the way. This desire coming up against me from my discontented mind every time I feel no sense of security which always picking up from disorientated emotion that I would have to quench it right at the moment.
It’s inexplicable but so true in every sense of my whole sinew. Thank God, He’s always my safe harbour and He’s always IS. His plans are far better than my destiny. Because of His love, I learned to hold Him tight and never let go.
I wouldn’t know exactly how long would it take for my aberrant behaviour to end and without any idea I could know how long would it take for myself to phase mutation. I would not like to put anyone around me out and I was trying to learn fending for myself. I should take life as challenges and live it to the fullest. But first and upon of all, I should learn to love myself only by the grace of God. And it always should, taking and giving the greatest love of all.
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