Rookie

I have never officially stepped into the society. For some reasons - self-esteem issue, coddling under the shelter of overprotective parents, and etc - I have never worked as a part-timer ever before in my life. It's a shame to say that I'm an ignorant inexperienced 20-year-old who doesn't even know how to find a job.

But the truth is if you want something you have never had, you have to do something you have never done. So the first step I would take, is to get out of that comfort zone, confront my fear, realize God is bigger than those trivial fears of mine, and to tell myself to stay put. And to get out of my comfort zone, I need to put away my pride and ego, before I get into serving the people. It dawns on me that the fear is so overwhelming because how shallow my faith and confidence were.

I'm not just scared, I'm terrified. I have to get down on my priority list and my time management. Job and study and exams cram in a sardine can. Also, I'm like a newbie born to a brand new world. A greenhorn like me can only deserve a trifling amount of RM 900 per month. Some people say it is a scam of providing such a low pay, yet there are words saying it's an average pay in an economic recession.

I basically obtain RM 30 per day and less than RM 3 per hour. After the deduction of the lunch and dinner expenses, let's say I spent the least of RM 5 for each meal, I may only obtain RM 20 per day, not including my petrol expenses. All in all, I may not earn much per month, but in a positive prospect, I may gain some experience in the particular field. So that is the only reason I get to work on next tiring Monday.

I wish to start afresh with that new job in the IT store. I don't have any idea of what I'm going to do and what I have to deal with anything held in store. For many reasons I have thought not to go for it, but with one God's command to serve the people as if you are serving God Himself, so I'd give it a go, come what may.

What I have to do now is not to care much and leave everything in His hand for I know He will rule and reign my life. He's the author of the script of my life which star me in the main role of that movie, a movie of life. And I'd present the best of I could for God's sake.

Wish me all the best then.

Trust and mistrust

Trust is a hard term for me. Mistrust is an issue when you have gone too far. In the progress of growing up, I have learnt from experiences, by observing my family and particularly, my parents, that mistrust is a way to deal with uncertainties, and insecurities. People are the uncertainties and the most insecure of all. A relationship isn't as easy as ABC, nor would it be like one plus one equal to 2. It's more than the most knotty mathematical equations or complicated physics theories. 

In my childhood, constant tease by friends has established an indefinitely low self-esteem. It was more apparent when I was dragged into adolescence. Keeping away myself from possible development of friendships had given me many considerable implications, and it isn't hard to tell because my appearance gave away my lack of confidence. 

Now in the earlier twenties, I told myself that I need to drive all those negatives away and start afresh, but will I be able to? Doubts and uncertainties sink in again. Much more what-if go on and on. 

Trust is the fundamental stepping stone for all relationships. Despite the killing truth, I can't give a damn trust to myself, let alone the people around me. There again, those frigging emotions are playing tricks with me. Speaking of trust, everybody has a side where we will leave some spaces in our hearts lest people will stab our behinds because we know we don't mind to be stabbed and hurt, but the agonizing part is nothing more than the dark truth that it is whom we love and care for do such a thing to us.

And, when we are so conformed into the society, we tend to lose the authenticity of ourselves. We want to be somebody. People say that weak men show negative emotions, and will be judged as immature. So they bottle things up and get schizophrenia, or otherwise, a mental sickness that could possibly result in suicidal thoughts. Society has a certain standard and norm, and whom not following would be deemed weird and odd. And what considered to be not weird may lead us to the thesis of human psychology. 

So, people say you need to start to believe yourself before you can overcome your trust issue. It looks so simple. But hell, how? Low self-esteem and lack of confidence over years can be solved miraculously by just believing yourself. From there, we would talk about having steadfast faith in God, before believing yourself. It seems that decades of prayers aren't sufficed to learn to keep my faith. I encountered some comebacks, that action speaks louder than words. I suppose action requires dauntless steps to which I am still learning to conquer.

It is going to be 5 more weeks until the real A2 exams. I have still not yet reached my goals. So, I would just have to keep my eyes on God and do whatever I can. God may use a lifetime to teach me a lesson. Every obstacle is small paces closer towards Him. 

Don't forget

We tend to forget a lot of dreams made when we were still a little boy. So am I. When I was young, I would dream of being a big guy who is to everyone's liking and is the friendliest and nicest.

However, I found out that as the years had gone, I grew up to acknowledge the importance of happiness. It's greater than wealth. There was a list of 'don't-forget' when I was an adolescence, to the future me.

1) don't forget about living a life

2) don't forget about the passion in drawing.

3) don't forget about giving back money to my parents as I have a job.

4) don't forget to be yourself.

5) don't forget to smile.

6) don't forget about God.

The last one has used to be the one I forgot the most in my life. Without it, I'm nothing. So, by now I'm pursuing something bigger in life - my future career - the so-called success. A question in my mind brought upon by the past till now and then, it still remains, ' is that what I want?' 

Maybe. It could be, or not. I don't know. But another question follows, ' is that what God wants?' That's the hardcore part of all. That leaves me in clouds of doubt. 

I wanted success. I want positiveness, happiness, unbroken family, many friends, a good listener, an inspirational speaker, a life that shines when other souls are bleak, a warm heart that console when the close ones are down and most of all, I covet God 's approval.

I have nothing in life but Him. Thinking of the past did fail me, especially when the past reminded me of those that I could have achieved and those that I have not yet achieved, but God is my strength, He will lead me through stormy waters because when I have God, I have everything. 

Drama

I used to vent a lot here than in the realistic world I live in. It could be because I'm not the kind of outspoken person. And when I did, they brought along with barbs and negativity. I have always wanted to be the positive man among all the people around me but I found out that the negative world is much easier to affect me than the other way round. So it was actually quite sad.

Speaking of barbs, I thought of recent events similar to such. I had been trying hard to lighten up awkward formal conversations by just adding some jokes. Maybe I had tried damn too hard and push it too far, so things have got little backfired. 

During the days of my exams, I was so sick of books and study. My chemistry lecturer was actually a devoted educationalist in her field of study. She was also my tutor. After the arduous chemistry exams, I watched quite a few short Buzzfeed video clips on YouTube to wind down a little bit. By the time her message popped out on my phone's screen asking how the exam had been going, I was just answering her perfunctorily because I have got them all behind me, but actually it was more to the reason of getting rid of distractions. Should I ignore her message? She then reminded me of the late payment of the tuition fee but I was so out of my mind to reply. 'Okay if that's all you concerned' I replied. That was supposed to be a joke. I waited for her reply for like quite a few minutes while I laughed at my joke.

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It went like this for a long time, before the missile went off.

'What do you mean? '

What was it? Did I say something wrong?

'You are rude'

Damn, was this an off-limit? Or was that I was too flippant and insensitive. I was dead meat, no shit. I should apologise.

'Sorry, I didn't mean it.'
'I'm so sorry..'

Typing...

'I may not want you for tuition.'

Really, girl? Are you serious? 

Yep, so she took it very seriously then. Little did I know how unbecoming it was to hit those lines with a very stern yet sensitive lecturer, and she was not even my silly friends.

'I am very sorry about those insensitive words I have said, please forgive me. I promised I would not talk stupidly again.'

Seen

She hung everything up in the air, casting me to wonder if she had forgiven me or not. And, I was left very disconcerting over the undecided denouement of these dramatic twists and turns.

The very next day was my critical thinking exam. I was not prepared well underway, neither it physically nor mentally.

I didn't know if I would face the music or it could be worse. I came up to her and addressed the tuition fee to her followed by a repentant apology. She heard me saying but she kept burying in her work and told me, 'no talking and go out.' Distant and cold.

So, everyone, brace yourself. This would be very dramatic. 

The money in my hand stuck in the stationary air of absolute zero, and all the lecturers around seemed so disinterested. With a blank mind, I just did what she told and went away from the staff room, away from the hell world, and back to the classroom. I gave a phone call to Mum to ask her if she could talk her out, in a shimmer of hope that she might listen to parents instead of some guilty bastards like me.

Despite the fact, she didn't pick up my mum's call. Past year papers were on the table in front of me but none of the words was taken in. And with that unsettled emotions, I went into the exam room, praying that those emotions would not reign over me.  Also, if you are interested, she was my invigilator for the critical thinking exam. What to expect when it could possibly be something even worse? I suppose that would probably be my CT paper with the questions I had no idea how to solve.

And now, I didn't give a shit. I made a drama out of every single thing in my life. I screwed up. That's all you had to know.  

But, at least, I should clear things up. So, I decided to return to the staff room after the exam ended. The tuition fee should be paid to her. Everything would be just fine, or maybe not. Facing her again, I pleaded with her to keep the money. This time, her voice sounded more indifferent, 'no, you just read my message and that's it.' It cast me in clouds of doubt, what message she was referring to?

Along the way to the parking lot, I was too preoccupied to listen to my friends' discussion about the CT paper. I gave way to much of the uneasiness in my head. Back at home, I checked the message and I read ' keep the money to yourself. Please Do not come to see or call me thank you'.

I still could not believe that I had written the entire post about her. Jeez

You might think I'm so dumb as it's not a big deal to have her as my tutor. In spite of these dramas going on, she is really good in the lectures. She just has her styles of dealing with stuff. I remembered in one of her tuition classes, she talked smack about her previous student. She was totally annoyed with the student who bumped into her but didn't come up to greet her. He only recognized her when he wanted a recommendation from her for a job. She criticized the student as one of those practical realistic bunch who only curried favour with people only to cater their needs.

So, yeah, probably that was what I had been so concerned about.. 

I know nothing what would be going on next but what I know was that I could possibly be one of her spicy add-on in her future conversation with more lecturers and students. Who knows? I only knew that for the past 3 weeks, she sent me to Coventry, not even making any eye contact. And for God knows how long it would take for all these cold shoulders to last, so she could start to talk to me again, even though I jolly well know it would never revert to that as before.

So I score an F for my social life, as I have admitted long ago. Apologies won't change anything as what's done has been done, what's broken could be hard to be fixed and the only hope I found was in my spiritual prayer with God. Nothing could be changed, so I could only leave it to the time and to God.

Dude, get real! Nobody cares anyway, and the point was that she was old and senile. I don't think I should expect more.



Happy weekends. 

Shed this piece of Feaces officially

It's just childish when people reveal too much of their negative emotions in this judgmental world. I mean they are showing their weaknesses to others. People may take these to make you out a laughing stock. I mean it's not the first time for me to experience being laughed at. It's much crueler than I could have imagined at which the disdain and atrocious sympathy are coming from whom you deem as true friends. Be that as it may, the cold water buckets down on you that they were your true friends. They just somehow don't know you well enough to judge about you.

The sadness overwhelmed me when they told me that I'm such a pity. I'm sick of being a trash to covet someone's sympathy. Yes, it's so easy for me to reveal my own feelings. It makes me wonder if I should keep all my true feelings to myself because nobody cares about one who wears his heart on his sleeve. Otherwise, they would just take pity on him. 

This sounds more like a grumble about the people and the world. Maybe I'm just not grown up enough to understand it. Maybe I'm not mature enough to feign indifference to hurtful critics and to accept them willingly. Maybe I'm not thoughtful of putting up a brave front before somebody else. It speared through me that I don't even have a real friend who shares empathy for me and my weaknesses and together we get over it. My only best friend, as well as the trustworthy listener for me to deeply confide in, is God. He always listens to my prayer even when it's awash with tears and sentiments. Thank God

Well, my weaknesses are disclosed. I know I'm a very introverted person who kicks up a fuss about the bother of not fitting into the social circle and the concern about not having many friends. I've never complained about my situation in real life, but just simply voice out when I'm writing a status on Facebook. People take it too seriously by now and think that I'm a social outcast. However, it does bug me for the reason I'm not capable of communicating and interacting amicably with someone else. FYI, I'm dealing with slight social anxiety disorder. It's knotty when you can't assertively raise your hand to answer questions in the class when you feel your hands sweaty for going out in public, when you are painfully embarrassed about people's slightest critics and judgement about you, and when you attempt to avoid those penetrating eyes staring at u.

So it's sad as people can just make a critical conclusion about you without looking into your past, into the endless endeavor to get a transformation, and into your real personality. It's not sensible to make me out from a vague Facebook status or hearsay. Don't they think speaking with me and hanging out with me is the best way to know me more? The latter I'm speaking of might know too little about me to run into that conclusion. Some part of my mind tells me this piece: I am who I am, take it or leave it. But after much pondering, I think it'd be better to better myself for an unparalleled metamorphosis. Put simply, I appreciate their sympathy and I will move on for a better me. 

I'm writing this not to pour out this scum of my negative emotions, but to direct my voice to anyone else who is also up against the same circumstances. They are not alone.

Long time since I've been here

It has been so long since I've been here. I just want to update my blog so that it wouldn't be so dilapidated, and forgotten. It's true that I have settled in the life of being a college student; yet, it seems like being a sophomore is a matter of yesterday.

College life isn't what I have imagined; what I'd sum up of all is that it's quite the same like the days in the secondary school, where studies and exams came all headlong towards me. I'm glad to have some friends there, and it's easy when they hold up their open hearts.

Quite a glimpse second have I been through 2 semesters, and by God's grace, they are still okay. Well I think it's it. I'll like to off by now. Peace

New days

Life goes on, and I think I'll be leaving blogger for quite some time. Now, I'm doing my Cambridge A-level Science in RIT (Riam Institute Technology). We all call the college  'riamtec'.

I was so edgy yet psyched when I first got into the college vicinity. It's going to be a total difference to my chung hua secondary school time, I guessed. Everyone's unfamiliar to me, well, I had seen some of the faces before (perhaps people who had the same tuition classes with me) but I still felt so brand-new.

There were orientation days on the first day and the second day. And, I was so bored on the first day. All the more the huge ceiling fan in the hall wasn't working and people sweltered in the hot stifling air. What's more, everybody was packed so closely together. We fanned ourselves, apparently not attending to what the person on stage was talking.

I got to know a very talkative boy on my left, who's from Limbang, and a Pakistan whizz-kid, who had graduated when she's 15 years old. She said it's very common in Brunei (She's from Brunei). She turned up in college in the age of 16. I was flabbergasted and went like, "Gosh, I'm 19!", and she giggled like a freak.

The talkative boy's name was Anthony, while the one and only Pakistan girl in riamtec was Nida. She sounded it like  奶大. Hey, I'm not perverted, okay, although I called my cat 'Nai Nai'. It's not the point anyway. Whatever.

Anthony was sticking to me during the break. I went to explore the compound of the college. I got to know the air-conditioned canteen with transparent glass wall behind the main block. It was thronging with crowds of students. I didn't want to elbow my way along the congested population, so I decided to get back to the hall.

After the break, we went to the hot kiln (hall) again. Guess what’s more 'surprising'? It's our executive chairman, Dato' Dr Fong gave his speech on stage! I didn't know why the time's dragging its heels so slowly, and obviously everyone's thinking his talk was akin to a lullaby, as how Nida pronounced on. "I couldn't stand it anymore," said Anthony, before he took out his i-pad and ignore the whole world with his Chinese novel and games.

Then, his microphone was cracking to life. Oh, that's it. His microphone wasn't on for the whole session! He must have pissed the committee members off because his voice might be a den to them. They purposely turned off the microphone.

After that, we got on stage for a snap. And the committee member told us to mouth the word 'money'. So, everyone's looking at the focal lens of the camera and went, "Moneeeyyyyy". The next day, our snapshot went viral through the daily newspaper, in which everyone looks like a freak.

After the photo-taking session, we were divided into several groups. I was in group 9 with two team leaders, Vivian and Ah long. Vivian had a plump body and a big voice box. She spoke as if she's shouting. Ah Long was very serious. We then sat cross-legged in a circle and were instructed to know the name of each other. They elaborated that it'd gonna be useful in the next game. A surprise came: the rain was pouring down in buckets. Everybody's shouting out their names for their introduction. At the end of the day, we were so annoyed that we stood closer to each other to know their names, as time's running out. 

And guess what’s even more 'surprising'? They wanted us to rattle off every team member's name! We were beating the sound of the rain to complete the game. After that, we went to play some games, such as passing the rubber band by using straw on our lips, station games, and more.

Lastly, we're knocked out and we were all homeward bound. When I returned home, I was speared from the realisation that I didn't know the location of my A-level class! My voice hung in the air, "Noooo..."