Don't forget

We tend to forget a lot of dreams made when we were still a little boy. So am I. When I was young, I would dream of being a big guy who is to everyone's liking and is the friendliest and nicest.

However, I found out that as the years had gone, I grew up to acknowledge the importance of happiness. It's greater than wealth. There was a list of 'don't-forget' when I was an adolescence, to the future me.

1) don't forget about living a life

2) don't forget about the passion in drawing.

3) don't forget about giving back money to my parents as I have a job.

4) don't forget to be yourself.

5) don't forget to smile.

6) don't forget about God.

The last one has used to be the one I forgot the most in my life. Without it, I'm nothing. So, by now I'm pursuing something bigger in life - my future career - the so-called success. A question in my mind brought upon by the past till now and then, it still remains, ' is that what I want?' 

Maybe. It could be, or not. I don't know. But another question follows, ' is that what God wants?' That's the hardcore part of all. That leaves me in clouds of doubt. 

I wanted success. I want positiveness, happiness, unbroken family, many friends, a good listener, an inspirational speaker, a life that shines when other souls are bleak, a warm heart that console when the close ones are down and most of all, I covet God 's approval.

I have nothing in life but Him. Thinking of the past did fail me, especially when the past reminded me of those that I could have achieved and those that I have not yet achieved, but God is my strength, He will lead me through stormy waters because when I have God, I have everything. 

Drama

I used to vent a lot here than in the realistic world I live in. It could be because I'm not the kind of outspoken person. And when I did, they brought along with barbs and negativity. I have always wanted to be the positive man among all the people around me but I found out that the negative world is much easier to affect me than the other way round. So it was actually quite sad.

Speaking of barbs, I thought of recent events similar to such. I had been trying hard to lighten up awkward formal conversations by just adding some jokes. Maybe I had tried damn too hard and push it too far, so things have got little backfired. 

During the days of my exams, I was so sick of books and study. My chemistry lecturer was actually a devoted educationalist in her field of study. She was also my tutor. After the arduous chemistry exams, I watched quite a few short Buzzfeed video clips on YouTube to wind down a little bit. By the time her message popped out on my phone's screen asking how the exam had been going, I was just answering her perfunctorily because I have got them all behind me, but actually it was more to the reason of getting rid of distractions. Should I ignore her message? She then reminded me of the late payment of the tuition fee but I was so out of my mind to reply. 'Okay if that's all you concerned' I replied. That was supposed to be a joke. I waited for her reply for like quite a few minutes while I laughed at my joke.

Typing...
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Typing...

It went like this for a long time, before the missile went off.

'What do you mean? '

What was it? Did I say something wrong?

'You are rude'

Damn, was this an off-limit? Or was that I was too flippant and insensitive. I was dead meat, no shit. I should apologise.

'Sorry, I didn't mean it.'
'I'm so sorry..'

Typing...

'I may not want you for tuition.'

Really, girl? Are you serious? 

Yep, so she took it very seriously then. Little did I know how unbecoming it was to hit those lines with a very stern yet sensitive lecturer, and she was not even my silly friends.

'I am very sorry about those insensitive words I have said, please forgive me. I promised I would not talk stupidly again.'

Seen

She hung everything up in the air, casting me to wonder if she had forgiven me or not. And, I was left very disconcerting over the undecided denouement of these dramatic twists and turns.

The very next day was my critical thinking exam. I was not prepared well underway, neither it physically nor mentally.

I didn't know if I would face the music or it could be worse. I came up to her and addressed the tuition fee to her followed by a repentant apology. She heard me saying but she kept burying in her work and told me, 'no talking and go out.' Distant and cold.

So, everyone, brace yourself. This would be very dramatic. 

The money in my hand stuck in the stationary air of absolute zero, and all the lecturers around seemed so disinterested. With a blank mind, I just did what she told and went away from the staff room, away from the hell world, and back to the classroom. I gave a phone call to Mum to ask her if she could talk her out, in a shimmer of hope that she might listen to parents instead of some guilty bastards like me.

Despite the fact, she didn't pick up my mum's call. Past year papers were on the table in front of me but none of the words was taken in. And with that unsettled emotions, I went into the exam room, praying that those emotions would not reign over me.  Also, if you are interested, she was my invigilator for the critical thinking exam. What to expect when it could possibly be something even worse? I suppose that would probably be my CT paper with the questions I had no idea how to solve.

And now, I didn't give a shit. I made a drama out of every single thing in my life. I screwed up. That's all you had to know.  

But, at least, I should clear things up. So, I decided to return to the staff room after the exam ended. The tuition fee should be paid to her. Everything would be just fine, or maybe not. Facing her again, I pleaded with her to keep the money. This time, her voice sounded more indifferent, 'no, you just read my message and that's it.' It cast me in clouds of doubt, what message she was referring to?

Along the way to the parking lot, I was too preoccupied to listen to my friends' discussion about the CT paper. I gave way to much of the uneasiness in my head. Back at home, I checked the message and I read ' keep the money to yourself. Please Do not come to see or call me thank you'.

I still could not believe that I had written the entire post about her. Jeez

You might think I'm so dumb as it's not a big deal to have her as my tutor. In spite of these dramas going on, she is really good in the lectures. She just has her styles of dealing with stuff. I remembered in one of her tuition classes, she talked smack about her previous student. She was totally annoyed with the student who bumped into her but didn't come up to greet her. He only recognized her when he wanted a recommendation from her for a job. She criticized the student as one of those practical realistic bunch who only curried favour with people only to cater their needs.

So, yeah, probably that was what I had been so concerned about.. 

I know nothing what would be going on next but what I know was that I could possibly be one of her spicy add-on in her future conversation with more lecturers and students. Who knows? I only knew that for the past 3 weeks, she sent me to Coventry, not even making any eye contact. And for God knows how long it would take for all these cold shoulders to last, so she could start to talk to me again, even though I jolly well know it would never revert to that as before.

So I score an F for my social life, as I have admitted long ago. Apologies won't change anything as what's done has been done, what's broken could be hard to be fixed and the only hope I found was in my spiritual prayer with God. Nothing could be changed, so I could only leave it to the time and to God.

Dude, get real! Nobody cares anyway, and the point was that she was old and senile. I don't think I should expect more.



Happy weekends. 

Shed this piece of Feaces officially

It's just childish when people reveal too much of their negative emotions in this judgmental world. I mean they are showing their weaknesses to others. People may take these to make you out a laughing stock. I mean it's not the first time for me to experience being laughed at. It's much crueler than I could have imagined at which the disdain and atrocious sympathy are coming from whom you deem as true friends. Be that as it may, the cold water buckets down on you that they were your true friends. They just somehow don't know you well enough to judge about you.

The sadness overwhelmed me when they told me that I'm such a pity. I'm sick of being a trash to covet someone's sympathy. Yes, it's so easy for me to reveal my own feelings. It makes me wonder if I should keep all my true feelings to myself because nobody cares about one who wears his heart on his sleeve. Otherwise, they would just take pity on him. 

This sounds more like a grumble about the people and the world. Maybe I'm just not grown up enough to understand it. Maybe I'm not mature enough to feign indifference to hurtful critics and to accept them willingly. Maybe I'm not thoughtful of putting up a brave front before somebody else. It speared through me that I don't even have a real friend who shares empathy for me and my weaknesses and together we get over it. My only best friend, as well as the trustworthy listener for me to deeply confide in, is God. He always listens to my prayer even when it's awash with tears and sentiments. Thank God

Well, my weaknesses are disclosed. I know I'm a very introverted person who kicks up a fuss about the bother of not fitting into the social circle and the concern about not having many friends. I've never complained about my situation in real life, but just simply voice out when I'm writing a status on Facebook. People take it too seriously by now and think that I'm a social outcast. However, it does bug me for the reason I'm not capable of communicating and interacting amicably with someone else. FYI, I'm dealing with slight social anxiety disorder. It's knotty when you can't assertively raise your hand to answer questions in the class when you feel your hands sweaty for going out in public, when you are painfully embarrassed about people's slightest critics and judgement about you, and when you attempt to avoid those penetrating eyes staring at u.

So it's sad as people can just make a critical conclusion about you without looking into your past, into the endless endeavor to get a transformation, and into your real personality. It's not sensible to make me out from a vague Facebook status or hearsay. Don't they think speaking with me and hanging out with me is the best way to know me more? The latter I'm speaking of might know too little about me to run into that conclusion. Some part of my mind tells me this piece: I am who I am, take it or leave it. But after much pondering, I think it'd be better to better myself for an unparalleled metamorphosis. Put simply, I appreciate their sympathy and I will move on for a better me. 

I'm writing this not to pour out this scum of my negative emotions, but to direct my voice to anyone else who is also up against the same circumstances. They are not alone.

Long time since I've been here

It has been so long since I've been here. I just want to update my blog so that it wouldn't be so dilapidated, and forgotten. It's true that I have settled in the life of being a college student; yet, it seems like being a sophomore is a matter of yesterday.

College life isn't what I have imagined; what I'd sum up of all is that it's quite the same like the days in the secondary school, where studies and exams came all headlong towards me. I'm glad to have some friends there, and it's easy when they hold up their open hearts.

Quite a glimpse second have I been through 2 semesters, and by God's grace, they are still okay. Well I think it's it. I'll like to off by now. Peace

New days

Life goes on, and I think I'll be leaving blogger for quite some time. Now, I'm doing my Cambridge A-level Science in RIT (Riam Institute Technology). We all call the college  'riamtec'.

I was so edgy yet psyched when I first got into the college vicinity. It's going to be a total difference to my chung hua secondary school time, I guessed. Everyone's unfamiliar to me, well, I had seen some of the faces before (perhaps people who had the same tuition classes with me) but I still felt so brand-new.

There were orientation days on the first day and the second day. And, I was so bored on the first day. All the more the huge ceiling fan in the hall wasn't working and people sweltered in the hot stifling air. What's more, everybody was packed so closely together. We fanned ourselves, apparently not attending to what the person on stage was talking.

I got to know a very talkative boy on my left, who's from Limbang, and a Pakistan whizz-kid, who had graduated when she's 15 years old. She said it's very common in Brunei (She's from Brunei). She turned up in college in the age of 16. I was flabbergasted and went like, "Gosh, I'm 19!", and she giggled like a freak.

The talkative boy's name was Anthony, while the one and only Pakistan girl in riamtec was Nida. She sounded it like  奶大. Hey, I'm not perverted, okay, although I called my cat 'Nai Nai'. It's not the point anyway. Whatever.

Anthony was sticking to me during the break. I went to explore the compound of the college. I got to know the air-conditioned canteen with transparent glass wall behind the main block. It was thronging with crowds of students. I didn't want to elbow my way along the congested population, so I decided to get back to the hall.

After the break, we went to the hot kiln (hall) again. Guess what’s more 'surprising'? It's our executive chairman, Dato' Dr Fong gave his speech on stage! I didn't know why the time's dragging its heels so slowly, and obviously everyone's thinking his talk was akin to a lullaby, as how Nida pronounced on. "I couldn't stand it anymore," said Anthony, before he took out his i-pad and ignore the whole world with his Chinese novel and games.

Then, his microphone was cracking to life. Oh, that's it. His microphone wasn't on for the whole session! He must have pissed the committee members off because his voice might be a den to them. They purposely turned off the microphone.

After that, we got on stage for a snap. And the committee member told us to mouth the word 'money'. So, everyone's looking at the focal lens of the camera and went, "Moneeeyyyyy". The next day, our snapshot went viral through the daily newspaper, in which everyone looks like a freak.

After the photo-taking session, we were divided into several groups. I was in group 9 with two team leaders, Vivian and Ah long. Vivian had a plump body and a big voice box. She spoke as if she's shouting. Ah Long was very serious. We then sat cross-legged in a circle and were instructed to know the name of each other. They elaborated that it'd gonna be useful in the next game. A surprise came: the rain was pouring down in buckets. Everybody's shouting out their names for their introduction. At the end of the day, we were so annoyed that we stood closer to each other to know their names, as time's running out. 

And guess what’s even more 'surprising'? They wanted us to rattle off every team member's name! We were beating the sound of the rain to complete the game. After that, we went to play some games, such as passing the rubber band by using straw on our lips, station games, and more.

Lastly, we're knocked out and we were all homeward bound. When I returned home, I was speared from the realisation that I didn't know the location of my A-level class! My voice hung in the air, "Noooo..."

She's cute

She's cute, her name's Miu Miu. 

Miu miu is my pet, I mean, our pet. My family and I always loved to indulge Miu Miu's whim, even though she's quite stuck-up and overbearing sometimes. We didn't feel a jot of reluctance to be of her service, feeding her with cat foods as well as pleasing her. As she had swept us off our feet, we felt highly honoured to be her steadfast servants. On the top of that, miu miu got her charm over us when she did cuddle around our legs. It's furry and smooth, that's why we always stroke her fur. Nancy, my second younger sister, uttered that it's her booster! It's so true that we were all addicted to her.

However, her fur got hard on mum as she found it a hassle to sweep her locks of fur away from the floor everyday. But then, Mum didn't put any grievances, thinking that it's worth the doing. "No sweat," she said, after getting along with Miu Miu.

After waiting on Miu Miu for several years, we had got the knack of feeding her foods. We had to direct her to the place where her foods laid. It's very easy to know if she's hungry by listening to her meow. If it's a drawl, then she should be famished. After that, the plastic container would be opened before the food was popped on the back of its lid.

She'd start eating but sometimes she'd get fiddle-minded and look at you that she got no appetite. To see to such a problem, mum bought her appetizers that pandered to her likes. She once loved salty seaweeds, then Da Fa fish piece, and now, she preferred her favourite anchovies. We needed to topped them on her cat foods. Yet, last time she's still headstrong not to eat her foods, we'd need to talk polished sweet-nothings to her. In short, she was treated even better than any of the dowager empresses during the historical times. She required company during her meals, otherwise she'd wheel around and left after just a bite. After waiting her to eat her fill, we turned out to be her waitstaff, retrieving her food back to the container.

You'd think that they were complicated procedures but neither did we slip off any gripes, nor we did them in a slipshod manner. Deep from the bottom of our hearts we took miu miu as one of our family members and she got her rights and prerogatives as a household too. A sound that was akin to a chugging engine would be vibrating from her body, indicating her bliss. We didn't know it back then but we came to our sense when mum told us it's a telltale sign of her happiness.

She had no qualms about turning up when mum called her out. When she did, she'd meow at mum as though she's chit-chatting with her. She liked mum's huggies very much. She'd meow a few times as if telling mum to be ready, and she leapt into mum's open arms. Mum told her church fellows about miu miu's craving for hugs but they disbelieved her stories. My elder sis, joanna, shared it with her friends too and they were all awestruck. Besides, when she's seriously lack of love, she'd bite mum's face gently. I got hold of the evidence - I took some candid snapshots whenever she did them. She sought the attention from mum to give her hugs or foods by popping over her paperwork, mostly when mum's knee-deep in her accounting job in the morning. She approached and pinned her claws on mum's top. Mum couldn't help to hold her in her arms.

Sometimes, she enjoyed mum's hug too much that she didn't want to be put down! It resorted mum to bait her down by tricking her with anchovies. Otherwise, she'd keep clinging herself on mum and mum couldn't get on her jobs. What's more, I even pictured this - Mum's holding miu miu in her arms while talking with her friends whose arms were also dominated by their own babies. Those babies snuggled up to their mothers' shoulders and looking at miu miu who did the same with appraising eyes.

Miu miu got a clout over us and friends we got along. I remembered joanna told us that her friends who once frowned upon cats were changed after she filled them in about miu miu's amusing behaviours.

Predestined

I guess everything is predestined. Life's a labyrinth and we are the players. Sometimes, we don't know how to tear the crushing walls down, having been despondent and miserable. Not going to expect, and to hope, when we have already tripped really hard onto the ground, we dare not to go through the same pain, as we don't know when and how we are straining to pick ourselves up.

I took up every opportunity but they blow up, expected them to glow but they dulled... The world is brimmed with bias and prejudice. The saying comes along, 'you will reap what you sow'; however, it isn't as convincing as how my experiences enlighten me. There's something you desired that you can't really achieve.

Watching a Singapore drama ' Show Hand', I got to know this very touching song. The lyrics resonated:

生命像一座迷宮 

未來懸在二選一的分岔口

 眼前是絢麗的彩虹 

還是殘忍的黑洞

我不要每次都流淚收場 

我不要每次摔得遍體鱗傷

 這一切到底是怎樣 

我頑強的抵抗 

要怎麼摧毀你鞏的牆 

我要不一樣