Shed this piece of Feaces officially

It's just childish when people reveal too much of their negative emotions in this judgmental world. I mean they are showing their weaknesses to others. People may take these to make you out a laughing stock. I mean it's not the first time for me to experience being laughed at. It's much crueler than I could have imagined at which the disdain and atrocious sympathy are coming from whom you deem as true friends. Be that as it may, the cold water buckets down on you that they were your true friends. They just somehow don't know you well enough to judge about you.

The sadness overwhelmed me when they told me that I'm such a pity. I'm sick of being a trash to covet someone's sympathy. Yes, it's so easy for me to reveal my own feelings. It makes me wonder if I should keep all my true feelings to myself because nobody cares about one who wears his heart on his sleeve. Otherwise, they would just take pity on him. 

This sounds more like a grumble about the people and the world. Maybe I'm just not grown up enough to understand it. Maybe I'm not mature enough to feign indifference to hurtful critics and to accept them willingly. Maybe I'm not thoughtful of putting up a brave front before somebody else. It speared through me that I don't even have a real friend who shares empathy for me and my weaknesses and together we get over it. My only best friend, as well as the trustworthy listener for me to deeply confide in, is God. He always listens to my prayer even when it's awash with tears and sentiments. Thank God

Well, my weaknesses are disclosed. I know I'm a very introverted person who kicks up a fuss about the bother of not fitting into the social circle and the concern about not having many friends. I've never complained about my situation in real life, but just simply voice out when I'm writing a status on Facebook. People take it too seriously by now and think that I'm a social outcast. However, it does bug me for the reason I'm not capable of communicating and interacting amicably with someone else. FYI, I'm dealing with slight social anxiety disorder. It's knotty when you can't assertively raise your hand to answer questions in the class when you feel your hands sweaty for going out in public, when you are painfully embarrassed about people's slightest critics and judgement about you, and when you attempt to avoid those penetrating eyes staring at u.

So it's sad as people can just make a critical conclusion about you without looking into your past, into the endless endeavor to get a transformation, and into your real personality. It's not sensible to make me out from a vague Facebook status or hearsay. Don't they think speaking with me and hanging out with me is the best way to know me more? The latter I'm speaking of might know too little about me to run into that conclusion. Some part of my mind tells me this piece: I am who I am, take it or leave it. But after much pondering, I think it'd be better to better myself for an unparalleled metamorphosis. Put simply, I appreciate their sympathy and I will move on for a better me. 

I'm writing this not to pour out this scum of my negative emotions, but to direct my voice to anyone else who is also up against the same circumstances. They are not alone.

Long time since I've been here

It has been so long since I've been here. I just want to update my blog so that it wouldn't be so dilapidated, and forgotten. It's true that I have settled in the life of being a college student; yet, it seems like being a sophomore is a matter of yesterday.

College life isn't what I have imagined; what I'd sum up of all is that it's quite the same like the days in the secondary school, where studies and exams came all headlong towards me. I'm glad to have some friends there, and it's easy when they hold up their open hearts.

Quite a glimpse second have I been through 2 semesters, and by God's grace, they are still okay. Well I think it's it. I'll like to off by now. Peace

New days

Life goes on, and I think I'll be leaving blogger for quite some time. Now, I'm doing my Cambridge A-level Science in RIT (Riam Institute Technology). We all call the college  'riamtec'.

I was so edgy yet psyched when I first got into the college vicinity. It's going to be a total difference to my chung hua secondary school time, I guessed. Everyone's unfamiliar to me, well, I had seen some of the faces before (perhaps people who had the same tuition classes with me) but I still felt so brand-new.

There were orientation days on the first day and the second day. And, I was so bored on the first day. All the more the huge ceiling fan in the hall wasn't working and people sweltered in the hot stifling air. What's more, everybody was packed so closely together. We fanned ourselves, apparently not attending to what the person on stage was talking.

I got to know a very talkative boy on my left, who's from Limbang, and a Pakistan whizz-kid, who had graduated when she's 15 years old. She said it's very common in Brunei (She's from Brunei). She turned up in college in the age of 16. I was flabbergasted and went like, "Gosh, I'm 19!", and she giggled like a freak.

The talkative boy's name was Anthony, while the one and only Pakistan girl in riamtec was Nida. She sounded it like  奶大. Hey, I'm not perverted, okay, although I called my cat 'Nai Nai'. It's not the point anyway. Whatever.

Anthony was sticking to me during the break. I went to explore the compound of the college. I got to know the air-conditioned canteen with transparent glass wall behind the main block. It was thronging with crowds of students. I didn't want to elbow my way along the congested population, so I decided to get back to the hall.

After the break, we went to the hot kiln (hall) again. Guess what’s more 'surprising'? It's our executive chairman, Dato' Dr Fong gave his speech on stage! I didn't know why the time's dragging its heels so slowly, and obviously everyone's thinking his talk was akin to a lullaby, as how Nida pronounced on. "I couldn't stand it anymore," said Anthony, before he took out his i-pad and ignore the whole world with his Chinese novel and games.

Then, his microphone was cracking to life. Oh, that's it. His microphone wasn't on for the whole session! He must have pissed the committee members off because his voice might be a den to them. They purposely turned off the microphone.

After that, we got on stage for a snap. And the committee member told us to mouth the word 'money'. So, everyone's looking at the focal lens of the camera and went, "Moneeeyyyyy". The next day, our snapshot went viral through the daily newspaper, in which everyone looks like a freak.

After the photo-taking session, we were divided into several groups. I was in group 9 with two team leaders, Vivian and Ah long. Vivian had a plump body and a big voice box. She spoke as if she's shouting. Ah Long was very serious. We then sat cross-legged in a circle and were instructed to know the name of each other. They elaborated that it'd gonna be useful in the next game. A surprise came: the rain was pouring down in buckets. Everybody's shouting out their names for their introduction. At the end of the day, we were so annoyed that we stood closer to each other to know their names, as time's running out. 

And guess what’s even more 'surprising'? They wanted us to rattle off every team member's name! We were beating the sound of the rain to complete the game. After that, we went to play some games, such as passing the rubber band by using straw on our lips, station games, and more.

Lastly, we're knocked out and we were all homeward bound. When I returned home, I was speared from the realisation that I didn't know the location of my A-level class! My voice hung in the air, "Noooo..."

She's cute

She's cute, her name's Miu Miu. 

Miu miu is my pet, I mean, our pet. My family and I always loved to indulge Miu Miu's whim, even though she's quite stuck-up and overbearing sometimes. We didn't feel a jot of reluctance to be of her service, feeding her with cat foods as well as pleasing her. As she had swept us off our feet, we felt highly honoured to be her steadfast servants. On the top of that, miu miu got her charm over us when she did cuddle around our legs. It's furry and smooth, that's why we always stroke her fur. Nancy, my second younger sister, uttered that it's her booster! It's so true that we were all addicted to her.

However, her fur got hard on mum as she found it a hassle to sweep her locks of fur away from the floor everyday. But then, Mum didn't put any grievances, thinking that it's worth the doing. "No sweat," she said, after getting along with Miu Miu.

After waiting on Miu Miu for several years, we had got the knack of feeding her foods. We had to direct her to the place where her foods laid. It's very easy to know if she's hungry by listening to her meow. If it's a drawl, then she should be famished. After that, the plastic container would be opened before the food was popped on the back of its lid.

She'd start eating but sometimes she'd get fiddle-minded and look at you that she got no appetite. To see to such a problem, mum bought her appetizers that pandered to her likes. She once loved salty seaweeds, then Da Fa fish piece, and now, she preferred her favourite anchovies. We needed to topped them on her cat foods. Yet, last time she's still headstrong not to eat her foods, we'd need to talk polished sweet-nothings to her. In short, she was treated even better than any of the dowager empresses during the historical times. She required company during her meals, otherwise she'd wheel around and left after just a bite. After waiting her to eat her fill, we turned out to be her waitstaff, retrieving her food back to the container.

You'd think that they were complicated procedures but neither did we slip off any gripes, nor we did them in a slipshod manner. Deep from the bottom of our hearts we took miu miu as one of our family members and she got her rights and prerogatives as a household too. A sound that was akin to a chugging engine would be vibrating from her body, indicating her bliss. We didn't know it back then but we came to our sense when mum told us it's a telltale sign of her happiness.

She had no qualms about turning up when mum called her out. When she did, she'd meow at mum as though she's chit-chatting with her. She liked mum's huggies very much. She'd meow a few times as if telling mum to be ready, and she leapt into mum's open arms. Mum told her church fellows about miu miu's craving for hugs but they disbelieved her stories. My elder sis, joanna, shared it with her friends too and they were all awestruck. Besides, when she's seriously lack of love, she'd bite mum's face gently. I got hold of the evidence - I took some candid snapshots whenever she did them. She sought the attention from mum to give her hugs or foods by popping over her paperwork, mostly when mum's knee-deep in her accounting job in the morning. She approached and pinned her claws on mum's top. Mum couldn't help to hold her in her arms.

Sometimes, she enjoyed mum's hug too much that she didn't want to be put down! It resorted mum to bait her down by tricking her with anchovies. Otherwise, she'd keep clinging herself on mum and mum couldn't get on her jobs. What's more, I even pictured this - Mum's holding miu miu in her arms while talking with her friends whose arms were also dominated by their own babies. Those babies snuggled up to their mothers' shoulders and looking at miu miu who did the same with appraising eyes.

Miu miu got a clout over us and friends we got along. I remembered joanna told us that her friends who once frowned upon cats were changed after she filled them in about miu miu's amusing behaviours.

Predestined

I guess everything is predestined. Life's a labyrinth and we are the players. Sometimes, we don't know how to tear the crushing walls down, having been despondent and miserable. Not going to expect, and to hope, when we have already tripped really hard onto the ground, we dare not to go through the same pain, as we don't know when and how we are straining to pick ourselves up.

I took up every opportunity but they blow up, expected them to glow but they dulled... The world is brimmed with bias and prejudice. The saying comes along, 'you will reap what you sow'; however, it isn't as convincing as how my experiences enlighten me. There's something you desired that you can't really achieve.

Watching a Singapore drama ' Show Hand', I got to know this very touching song. The lyrics resonated:

生命像一座迷宮 

未來懸在二選一的分岔口

 眼前是絢麗的彩虹 

還是殘忍的黑洞

我不要每次都流淚收場 

我不要每次摔得遍體鱗傷

 這一切到底是怎樣 

我頑強的抵抗 

要怎麼摧毀你鞏的牆 

我要不一樣

PETRONAS Youngstar Day 2014

Chapter 3


The next day, I woke up at 4.30am. I was reluctant to get myself off the bed. After some procrastination, I groggily got up at 5.30am to spruce myself up for the selection test. I knew this was going to be bad because I wasn’t energetic and not up to focusing on things. This taught me a lesson – get yourself a good sleep before anything important.

I was dressed in a formal wear and went down to the voluminous main lobby with my father. I staggered up the staircase to the second floor where the event would be going on. There were only a scarce number of shortlisted applicants at 7.10am. So, I moseyed by the hallway with plush sofas arrayed along the long balustrade.

By the way, I did remember mum’s advice - never forget to smile. As soon as I sat on a sofa, another unacquainted candidate came into view. I smiled at him, and he grinned back. Subsequently, he sat on the settee in front of me. To break the solemn silence, I decided to strike up a friendly conversation with him. So, he was from Sarikei. Not as difficult as I thought, I made friends with him. A jiffy later, Qi Zheng turned up and he sat beside me, and the three of us hit it off with each other.

We went to line up at the counter for registration at 7.30am. We were given a card tag to be hung around our necks and our breakfast was ready at another counter. I had my breakfast with the Sarikei dude, while we picked up our hearty chat to kill time. Then we got to know the Sibu boy in front of the Sarikei boy.

So, a small tip here – make as many friends as you can. Chatting with them may counteract the effect of your jitters.


After breakfast time, we attended to the briefing in a big hall as stated in the rejoining instructions. Next, we were divided into two groups, A and B, according to our cards in our name tag. I was in B group.

Candidates in A group did the interview first, while those who were in B group did the Maths and Science Test. We were brought to another room to have the test. However, I couldn’t believe it when the instructor told us not to use scientific calculators. And, I went like what? But then, the rejoining instructions had mentioned that we should bring our own scientific calculators. If we didn’t use it during the test, what we were supposed to do with it? Can you beat that!

Chill, Alexander, chill out. I still could do it without wielding my trusty tool: my calculator. Nonetheless, repeating ‘I can do it’ wasn’t enough to beat it. I hardly remembered anything since I had not touched books for 4 months. Those physics questions really put me through a labyrinth. I was at a loss in the face of time depletion.

Time’s up and I had to submit my answer sheet. I looked over at Qi Zheng’s face and his expression exuded confidence. I guaranteed he’s doing pretty well. After that, I followed the throng to the room where group A’s candidates had first been. We were then split into 4 groups amongst group B’s candidates. I took a seat with unfamiliar people around a table. We exchanged glances with each other awkwardly. It was getting even colder.

We were assigned a case study for a topic. Then, we got to pore over it prior to grubbing ideas out of our brains. Without any discussion amongst our groups, we scribbled down our ideas on a piece of paper. 30 minutes later, we were sent to the imposing hall where the morning briefing was held for the interview. After every individual in the group had been called on for interview, the whole group was compelled to have a group discussion.


Chapter 4


I prayed along the way down to the chamber where my interview would be taken. It’s battle time! Knocking the door for attention, I was told to be seated; yet, I jolly well know the proprieties of interviews, and hence I shook hands with the interviewers before taking a seat.

They started to study my gait, my demeanour, and my expressions with their appraising eyes before introducing themselves. As they asked me to introduce myself, I told them my name, age, former school, and family. Soon after the introducing part, they want me to air my viewpoints about the subject of case study. Nodding in acquiescence, I duly went on with my points of view that had crossed my mind.

10 minutes later, they cut me off. The interviewer commented that I got so many points. She asked me a question, and I paused shortly, apparently stumping for words. Yet, I did my best to answer her in case I fell in a spot.

I wasn’t relieved much as the interview had been wrapped up. After all our teammates had had the interviews, we had our group discussion in the same chamber. We pooled our recommendations and talked it over to reach a general consensus for a definite solution. I strained to err on the side of caution to avoid speaking out of turn. I just suggested my opinions and recommendations. Oh well, to coin a phrase, don't let your subjective attitudes affect your objective assessment. Bear in mind that it's a discussion, not a dominant debate. It's better not to rob your teammates of their presentation time. Team-spirit is paramount at the top of priorities. After all, I was still bested by my teammates’ performances. I’ve got to hand it to them - they fared jolly well.

We laughed off all the burdens on our way out of the hall. Preceding the critical reasoning test in the afternoon, we need to grab a bite. I chattered with my teammates with punch and speed during the lunch time. We segued into conversations of our schools, friends, and hometowns.

After lunch, we had the critical reasoning test. Like the name itself, it tested your logic thinking, reasoning skills, and time management. It’s as tough as what we had been clued in by the instructor. I was dead sure of it because I had done the test online and I failed it terribly. It’s necessary to manipulate your time well, otherwise time may manipulate you. Make it snappy, but you have got to ensure that your answers are accurate and reasonable.

So, after an arduous exam, I was dead beat. The surge of adrenaline and bad hormones were quelled somehow beneath a watery cool. The event ended much earlier than I thought. I presupposed it should end at 6pm but it just ended at 3.30pm. I boarded AK6188 back to Miri airport. I went off like the light of the candle, fast asleep.

To sum up, I really had a whale of a time making friends and of all stuffs I did there. My wish was all the same like any other candidates: to be chosen for the PESP. Nevertheless, I wasn’t expecting much from getting shortlisted because I wasn’t satisfied with my performance. If I put my success in percentage, it would be 30%. Anyway, I hope my experience of attending this event can help those participants in the future. Best of luck and all the best!



(End)

PETRONAS scholarship 2014

Chapter 1

I didn’t hold a good impression of this scholarship. Last few weeks, I applied it online as my father told me so. After a few weeks later, I received some messages on my mobile phone from the number 66688, that I was shortlisted for the PETRONAS education sponsorship program, which is the scholarship I had been applying, to attend the PETRONAS youngstar day. 
 

I got no idea what youngstar day was, so I surfed the internet about it. I went to the PETRONAS online application website which I used to apply for the scholarship; but then again, after poring over the whole letter, I realized it was incomplete. Well, there are no attachments as mentioned in the content of the letter online, but it just ended with, ‘attachments:’ The particular attachments are the rejoining instructions, and might also include something odd like ‘Indemnity and undertaking’, in which the hell I didn’t know what’s what. 

What’s more, I was compelled to apply into UTP online. It was fine I thought, I was all for it. However, I found it a chore as I couldn’t access to the online application into UTP by using google chrome. A pop-up message said I needed to use Internet Explorer 9 to do it. It was a shame to say that my computer wasn’t up to Windows 7, and thus, my Internet Explorer wasn’t the ninth edition. So, I went to find a computer with Internet Explorer 9 to do it. By the way, I had completed it, though.

It puzzled me a lot about the missing of the attachments, thus, I googled Petronas Youngstar day’. I dropped by some blog pages which were owned by people who had gone through the Petronas Youngstar day 2013 to see what the hell it was. Then I got hold of the fact that they were sticklers for the dress code. They were all clad in formal suits, as the men wore long sleeves with ties and ladies were dressed in baju kurungs. Applicants are compulsory to be dressed in such formal outfits, or is it the basic requisite of every interview?

Apart from their clothes, there were exams looming on the horizons, and the paramount matter of all- the interview. The exams were the analytical test, critical thinking test and the test about science and mathematics. I jolly well knew critical thinking was some sort like guessing the fifth diagrams, after examining the patterns and colours of the first to the fourth diagrams. I had that test before in the ASEAN scholarship selecting test in Kuching, too. I was getting cold feet that time, so I didn’t manage my time well and I made wild guesses at last by simply blackening the last few answers. 

They said that the analytical exams and the maths and sciences exams are cinches, but I have all concerned myself about them too since I had already forgotten most of the things I learnt in my school. Your conjecture was right: I am an amnesiac. To top it all, I’m also an eccentric person too, who isn’t up to expressing myself well. I won’t be despondent to say I had screwed up interviews and botched scholarships’ exams up before. A piece of info echoed in my mind: Any private university doesn't need an absolute Spongebob Squarepants or a typical bookworm, but they want a more than potential talent. Am I?

Going by my vile experiences and the fact of flying distances over to Kuching for the whatsoever event, I was dead sure the chances of clinching a resounding victory were very slim. I didn't see any options more, and if I refused to go, my head would be bitten off. My parents were crazy about me for getting stricken with scholarships to the extremes. Sis had talked me out of flying so far away and going to the expense for the scholarship which isn’t inevitable to be got in hand. But then again, did I have any other choices? A flat-out no would entitle me to be targeted at ground zero. I could only muster up my courage to take up the challenges looming ahead of me. 



Chapter 2


After packing all the stuffs into the suitcase, my father and I headed to the airport. When we reached the departure hall, I was shocked that it’s calling at 2.40pm on the dot. As how dad had been filling me in, I thought the plane would take off at 3.20pm. Luckily we arrived earlier because the plane departed at 3.00pm.

The plane had flown for 1 hour and a half hour. Then, we safely arrived at Kuching before starting down to the cab for a ride to Pullman Hotel. I saw my previous-year classmate, Qi Zheng as soon as I got there.  Well, I ran into him when I was boarding Air Asia but I didn’t know if he noticed me. When we checked in the hotel, I wheeled around to greet him.

Pullman Hotel was actually the venue for the Petronas Youngstar Day. The hotel was really big and lavish-furnished. It did have a sense of grandeur where there was a mini indoor fountain, an overhead ultramodern glass roof that shimmered in the afternoon sun, a wide hallway that adorned with vivid frescoes… Then, I spotted a young adult of the like age of mine walking down the stairway. He wore a very formal suit and I guessed he could be one of the shortlisted applicants. My dad told me that there was also a selection test on that day. My selection test was held on the next day.

I dragged my stuffed suitcase all the way to our room. I was thrilled to know how it looked like, given the air of splendour at the main lobby. It must be luxurious and flashy. Spot-on! There were two ornate single beds, LCD tv, micro-oven, yoga mat, gym bells and the long list went on. The bathroom was even amazing. It got a shower tray at the left side of the door and what’s more, a sizeable marble bathtub dominated the right wall, and a large glass mirror was glinting in front of me. Thinking of it made me bouncy!

The night came very soon. After having a dinner near the hotel, we got back to our room. I turned in early at 9pm but I couldn’t get off to sleep. I waited for the drowsiness to come over me but when I checked on the clock, it was 12.25pm. Gosh! I quickly covered my face with the duvet and forced myself to sleep.



(to be continued...)