interview

When i feel so weary, i will listen to a song i have heard for umpteenth times, 'we are the reason'. Although the times when i told myself i had to be strong and brave, i still couldn't hold back my tears. They trickled down my face. I broke down.

Now in the music, i give way to the outrageous upheaval. The same as before i can't hold back my tears and let them stream along my cheeks. When i feel myself drained of energy, i will always take spiritual meditation, listen to holy hymns to lead me out of weariness.

Many times i have experienced God's love and boundless grace.

Our english class teacher, puan soh told us that we would meet a lot of interviews after SPM, not just because of crusade for achieving a scholarship, but also obtaining a job and so on. All of these require a must of an interview. However, i have chatted with a friend that an interview is actually a very difficult thing for me. It is probably due to my introverted personality, weak communication skills, a very low self-esteem and dented confidence.

Once in a year i need to have an oral test. That's always the reason i get haunted and get so busy with preparation. It is because i think that i'm not a speaker who can express a topic impressively and eloquently in the eyes of thousand audience. Likewise, i would have to prepare well underway for weeks or maybe months to present myself in a short 3 to 5 minutes of interview.

An interview is very important as people can judge you from the perspective of your appearance, attitude and a list of academic results and co-curriculum awards. The utmost highlighted matter would be how you manage to promote yourself confidently to the interviewers so that the company can use you in the future. All in a short while they eye through your statement and appearance and judge about you. For years knowing myself, i know in depth that i'm a very timid person in my own world. On the spur of the moment, a withering question will spring out : how i get to present myself confidently in front of a line of strangers?

Interview is, a door to wrench open for a brighter new scene, a key to open the locked treasure chest. How am i going to open it without the key of confidence?

I know i have relied on God since i was young. I will always sit on the bed saying prayers so that He will help me whenever i meet obstacles and challenges. He is my harbour to keep me away from stormy waters and thunders. However, i have to be strong and brave enough to protect myself by using... sole confidence.And God's guidance too.

I would like to listen to 'we are the reason' again. It's a nice song as it gives me strength and hope whenever i'm down and distressed. None of the worlds could i describe God's love to me. I like this song, not because of the rhythm or music, but the lyrics, especially the snippet says :

To a world that have lost
He gave all He could give

to show us the reason to live.

The ways to know more about myself

Sitting in front of the computer, i scroll down the page aimlessly while my memories flash back to the days when i'm still in the life game.

i was thinking who i am when God so love me. He removes all the burden in me and calm the stormy waters. i have been humble or maybe depressed to have His mercy to wash off my sins.

i have win out all the troubles to make myself an obedient bookworm in others' point of view. Nonetheless, i feel discontented when people judge me a very obedient baby. I live in this world in a way that i care so much about how people look at and judge about me. And needless to say, i have lost the real me. I feel no aim of living but somehow, i can still be able to hold His hand whenever i fall.

People think i'm a very bright student with a lot of possibilities headed in front of me. Although my academic results tend to awe others but i feel no pride about it. I'm doing these because i feel i'm responsible to. This is actually not what i want; however, i don't know exactly what i want.

Basically and apparently i know nothing about myself. When people bring on a question about what i will be in the future, i will always respond it with a shrug. I have no idea about it. People judge a person by his or her personalities and consider if they suit a certain career's criteria. The point is i don't know what my real personalities are. I'm even confused about if i should involve in arts or sciences.

ASEAN scholarship is way ahead of me. It's approaching me nearer and closer. I heard from others that it will be a very tough test. I don't know. Every exams are just a burden for me. I was so shocked when i received the news that it will only take 30 minutes for a 350 words essay. That's damn hard for me. I was wondering how singapore students pull themselves through these frigging exams.

 As the saying goes, ' the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence', i live in a society which people compare one another within a wide range of rival groups. On the top of it, i'm stupidly involve in this everlasting rival. I always think that i should utilise all my abilities and strain all my efforts to be the best of the best. However the results disappoint me so much that it affects my emotional health now and then.

Even though i have gained my parents' approval for a long distance away to kuching in order to have the test, but i think somehow, this particular ASEAN scholarship selective test involves luck. I doubt the probability of getting the access for the further interview successfully. Many things are out of our reach and realm of control.

It seems to me that i have not been here for a very long time. A busy life slotted in with dragging lulls and different kinds of spices added for another flavour in my life.

Hmm.. how can i say about these days?　There are too much to dictate about life with things even if memories run amuck i can't bear to get into it.

Fire

Soon kindled and soon burnt. -William Shakespeare

A little fire is quickly trodden out;
Which, being suffered, rivers cannot quench.
-William Shakespeare

To burn always with this hard, gem-like flame,
to maintain this ecstasy, is success in life.
-Walter Pater 

Critical thinking

Last night was my cousin's wedding and i attended to help collecting angpaws from the relatives, recorded their amount and their attendance.

My elder sis who was in holiday now away from the university has been offered help to record the relatives' attendance. I was in charge of the calculating the amounts of the angpaws. Because i'm not very good in calculating, so i asked my younger sis to help me in case i screwed things up.

I didn't know much about the chinese culture especially during the wedding night, but in my vague idea, before reaching to the restaurant, they would have to go checking their names and table number in a list of record. After checking, we who were in charge would have to tick their names according their attendance and collect their angpaws which had rooted as a traditional culture, i think, and in which also included the calculating of the amount of those angpaw.

My younger sister really pulled me through the difficulties of handling things, such as receiving those angpaws and checking those people's names listed in the records. I also helped in searching their names in the list.

Things wouldn't get much easier when it came to calculating. We would have to calculate the total amount and record the amount of every person who had attended the wedding dinner. The wedding dinner had started ;yet, although we all starved, we still needed to do our jobs. I heard that there's another way which after we received the angpaws, we calculated the money directly but in concealed. However, we were not following that way, inserting every angpaws in a plastic bags instead before entering a room to calculate. A very funny style.

And that room was basically the dressing room for the bride and groom. In the confine of the room, the sound of we-me, Nancy, elder sis and my cousin, Paul- echoed. We started calculating and after that I felt so starved and weary.. i looked at my younger sister's face and out of the blue i let out grievance.

'I think we just go back to eat instant noodles.'

And then, my elder sis burst out a hollow laugh. Then, she suddenly got so pissed off and let off steam on me ,'Hey, don't complain more and eat quickly.'
That came as a blow to me.

After that, mum came and asked what it had taken us so long that even we missed our dinner. When i saw mum came, i pitched all the fit and pressure in me at will, ' mum, i think i'm not full after having the dinner takeaway, i think we'd have to go back to have instant noodles.' I strained to make it a joke but it backfired into a very wry one.

I saw my elder sis's face a very bitter smile after Paul forced a smile on his face. I guess i had hurt him very badly.

After my mum's very resolute decision, we then came out with a whole figure. Then, we went back to the restaurant to have our dinner. We only had 3 or 4 dishes left to relish.

When we came back home, my sis threw a fit on me that i didn't care the others. Paul not even tasted a food and i still grumbled. And criticised me that i'm not aware about the others' thought when all the people in that room were hungry and i actually vented my resent out on impulse. And it was so inconsiderate and insensible of me to keep grumbling the whole night when people who were still working out on the figure and I was still in a mood of enjoying food.

I got so upset that i felt i didn't have any sense in expressing myself and in savour of inconsideration. Critical thinking, i realised, i needed to work hard on that or else sooner than later, people may got really put out because of what i did and what i had done.

Regret

I have a conversation with a friend, and the conversation's course veered off course to about the girl, yong ee.

As she said different people have different personalities so we would have to endure whatever they have done. And suddenly i thought of what God have said..

路6：37 你们不要论断人，就不被论断，你们不要定人的罪。你们要饶恕人，就必蒙饶恕。

路17：4 倘若他一天七次得罪你，又七次回转说，我懊悔了，你总要饶恕他。

I suddenly regret what i think of what yong ee have done to me. What i have done is just sin. Hope He forgive what i have done. and the snippet of Amazing grace sounded in my ears.

Once blind but now i see.

Goosebumps raised and tears held back from trickling down. Amazing grace.

Life game

A city where people runs,
runs for the aim of reigning the world,
and in the pursuit of greed and materialism.

Drill, thrill, bill, ill, pill, will.
is that what we live?
is that what we want our lives to be?
but if there's a second time, a second life God gives eu,
what eu want for ur life to be?

Some of them turn out unemployed,
most of them become embroiled in financial problem,
rising inflation, taxes and increasing loads of living expenses,
they want to give up that game and packed out,
fail to finish that life race.

God gives hope when we stumble.
Finally, they went back to fight the world.
After the snarls and toils,
there are always ends between that two paths,
the narrow one and the broad one.