stupid

walau ee,i really can't stand that stupiak general clerk at my  school!! i'm not racist or what, but i have never seen someone so slack in her work! i have wasted the time since last friday to just get the pmr cert. and the first time she went to the toilet, i failed to get that cert. after that she wan wat ever fatimah(f*** ur ma) to request for getting back my cert. that girl said i wan to have my i.c to get back my cert. but sherry them no need to use i.c to gain access of getting that cert. So, i went back and told brenda them, brenda them and i went upstairs again to find that watever ma, and she said to have that access for taking that cert, eu need to have i.c and the girl that come out from toilet suddenly change her mind (maybe she found out that she LYJ when she HWSM), and tell us need i.c to take that cert. Walau ee, suan liao

and today, i use my i.c and go to school for taking my cert. after that, i quickly went upstairs again, and she's busy with the whatsoever photostat thing by the time yong ee them also waited too. then, i waited, but the chemistry extra class would start very soon. that girl said to me that i have to wait until 9 am to take it. suan le, i get it after the chemistry extra class since it's one hour away. after the chem extra class, it's already 10am. i went upstairs with damien to find that jerk. and then, she was eating her roti canai. i tell her to give back my cert. She rolled an eye to me and reluctantly said, dun eu see i'm eating rite now. Walau, this is your work! jerk!! as a clerk or watever so, eu should not breach that work commitment of providing the quality in service. that's what the government officer's attitude should be, and what's that attitude that contrasted with trying to juggle with the people enquired?? that heat-temper- steam slapped me on my face. walau ee, brain hemorrhage i have right at the moment, i got downstairs to jot down answers i left behind from the chem extra class.

 then, i went upstairs again, seeing her again, and even worse, she let out that very irresponsible words like let me rest for a while, i wan to muntah... watever so not professional really kick up that notch of my anger, the strong potent washed through my brain and my every nerves. then, i stalked off to the office as she ordered to do so. and ridiculously, she let me wait for about 10-20 min. not until much later after that did she hail me to her direction. suan le, i tried to calm that burning itch of anger churning in my stomach, i went inside. she really hit my nerves when she said how come eu forget ur index no. she really have that nerve of steel to say that i'm wasting her time to find my name in that 2 documents or archives something like that. who waste who's time actually??! and that index no is actually the last year memory i have shoved in the back of my mind under all the memory space i left for chem,phy, bio and lots of thing. and she's now blaming me for the failure of evoking the codes? handing that 2 files to me, i got my nerves hit hard, really hard that i really wan my fist on her face!! okay, i find it for my sake to let her see her irresponsibility. A general officer's trying to let the client to do her job?? that's too outrageous. ok then, i find it myself, and i kept the temper suppressed and calm. then, with curse under my breath, i veered my course, the course back to my home.

神经大条

第一次看到有人比我神经大条。
我： 可以借我你的chemistry notes?
他：你不会去跟别人借啊？A（某人） 有chemistry notes.
我：其实没什么，我今天抄完就会还给你了。
他：A 是真的有啦！（重复第二次）
我：你现在要用？
他：erm.. (想了好久）对。
我：你可以回家后再用吗？
他：erm.... (又是装可爱的脸，一看就知道他没有要用到的意思，又想找借口）
我：算了，跟你借东西很难 ==
他：（很大声）你现在才懂啊？
一个连chemistry notes 一分钟都借不到的人，我真的好幸运，世上还真有人比我惨很多。lolz 我知道不该在这里讲人，但是也太过分了吧？而且，他还说过这种话：”alexander, 你不会想一想为什么你那么少朋友吗？“我承认这是事实，但是我无法想象你的朋友到底是怎样容忍你的...

It have been months but decades -for me- to get into this blog and start blogging. Times have passed unevenly, weather has turned out all in all but capricious like always, trivial things popped out at every intervals; however, a particular thing that would not alter and yet, it's me who strive like a mad freak on studies and, other than study, that is still study.

Every results of the examinations are like erratic upheaval, up and down, and for all sakes, i have burned the boats by impossibly letting time and the happy-go-lucky me get conjured up. Things would not change and I 'm now striving for the sake of the final examinations.

Everything set at the right place but it seems that the only cinder in the whole crystal clear water is just to be me.

Tami Hoag - Secrets to the grave

Now, i'm on with my long-term holiday which whirlpool of boredom and twinge of halfheartedness drain me all out but i have borrowed this novel from the library and the description at the really front page is quite strikingly driving me attentive!

This is how's it going..

The house stood by itself back off the road in a field of dried golden grass, half ridden by spreading oaks. An amalgam of styles- part Spanish, part ranch- the once- white stucco building was weathered in a way that made it seem a part of natural surroundings, as if it had grown up out of earth and belonged there as much as any of the hundred-year-old trees.

The scene was a plain air painting,  soft and impressionistic: the golden grass, the dark trees, bruise-purple mountains in the background, and the whisper-blue sky strewn with long, thin, pink-tinted clouds; the small white house with its old tile roof. On the other side of the mountains the sun had begun its descent toward the ocean. Here, the day seemed to have paused to admire its own perfection. Stillness held the landscape enraptured.

Nothing gave away a hint of what lay within the house.

The driveway was a path of dirt and crushed rock with grass and weeds sprouted up the the middle like the mane of a wild pony. Falling-down fences the colour of driftwood created the lane between two overgrown pastures that had once been home to cattle and horses.

A vintage Woody station wagon well past its glory days was parked at a casual angle near an open shed full of rusted farm equipment. An old Radio Flyer red wagon had been abandoned near the front porch with an orange tabby cat sitting on it, waiting for a ride. On the porch two kittens played peekaboo among overgrown pots of parched geraniums and kitchen herbs. One propped herself up on the screen door and peered into the house, then squeaked and leapt and dashed away, tails straight up in the air.

Inside the house nothing moved but flies.

A horrible still life had been staged on the Saltillo tile kitchen floor. A woman lay dead, her hair spreading out around her head like a dark cloud. Her skin was the colour of a milk. Her lips had been painted as red as a rose- as red as her blood must have been as it drained from the wounds carved into her flesh.

She lay discarded like a life-size broken doll- made up, torn up and cast aside, her brown eyes cloudy and lifeless.

Beside her lay a smaller doll-her child- head resting on her shoulder, face streaked with the last of her mother's life's blood.

The flies buzzed. The wall clock ticked above the sink.

The telephone receiver dangled near the floor, stenciled with small bloody fingerprints. The last words spoken into it were a whisper still hanging in the air: 'My daddy hurts my mummy...'

A tinge of suspense hanging in the trail of the air enticing me to flip on pages to see how it would end and it's really exciting and enthralling! This author is the new york times number one bestselling author after flanking it to the cover adding with three lines of sub-headline that serves a heady spice for sending a scintillating thrill down my bottomless pit of my spine that predisposes me to take on reading.

The crime is unspeakable.
The secrets are unfathomable.
The only witness is a child.

I like reading but i would have a dilemma in choosing a better book for reading and i wouldn't want to be regretted if the book seems so boring to me.

Anyway, i have something to read for this holiday and i'm sure i would try my best take it all in me!

I wonder if i have settled in form 4 life.
Someone told me that it's a brand new life and i doubted it.
But then, I won't doubt it again.
It's only tiring and another dreadful world.
With a resigned sigh, I would have to bend myself resiliently in this so unpleasant circumstances.
I know i have to grow mature and that's life i have to learn, never stop learning.
Learning from the past, I have slaved away my youth for life of me taking up extreme studies.
and every now and then, I try sparing time at facebook but it's about to be impossible.

Hello 2012

Yesterday was new year eve and what I did when all the people standing overjoy with a new year come was wheezing sleeping.

I first decided to go countdown but my mum didn't approve since we would have to gear up for tomorrow morning worship. So, I stayed at home watching tv then went sleeping unexpectedly early.

This morning I went to church and I eye only a few people I could count on the fingers of one hand. I could guess that those people might have been to countdown last night.

Anyway, my new year doesn't seem special for me. It's just as usual as the other mundane Sunday.

My resolution for 2012 are:
1) Become a sociable person, get rid of my introversion. (barely possible)
2) Become sporty (involve in one sport at least)
3) Have my pimples cured.

Can't think of others right now but I will add on soon!

Happy New year everyone! Have a great days in 2012!

How life lived through the Greatest Love of All

Yesterday my sister came out with a problem required me to really mulling over how to deal with so-as I do hope so- it could be out of the way . That problem was what I had tried so much to shun and still, it couldn’t always be in the condition I left. It’s all about social problem.

I know I have only a few friends to live my life and that’s the thing I give way to helpless misery. She said I was an utterly different person when I went outdoors, compared to being at home. At home, I could flung off any anxiety and going happy-go-lucky and on the contrary, she didn’t see one time of my face wasn’t lodged in a worried line over my anxious eyes when I was outside.

‘So, you always have to be set in your way of putting on mask to live your eternity?’ it’s a rhetorical question instead of a statement.

I think I really do good in concealing my really hideous identity but actually it fails to the extend that I feel I’m doing nothing but to mocking myself. To reserve remoteness towards others' way of thinking is a tough thing to do. I think myself could have easily done presenting myself affably and maturely in peoples’ perspective of view.

My hideous identity is a foolish clown making people laugh the whole way and would not let them stop thinking of making fun at me like a freak. The hell don't they know how frail my self-esteem and dare to shatter it so cruelly. Every night thinking of my stupid childhood life has made me recoiling in the waves of pains and fears that have only lapped at me before now and I could bet them rear high up and wash over my head, pulling me under.

Time passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but passes it does. It’s unfortunately to say but, it has perforated a hole in my chest, a very negative impact in my life bigger even larger than you can imagine. It’s bad to have plague in the very past, flashing now and maybe the future that I couldn’t seem to shake.

I know it’s all too abstract and only profession in psychology can help to bring a solution in due course. I am so lucky and blessed to have a religion I have hold to. God have always been the refuge during the most painful spasm. If I have recognised it, I could have foreseen my prospective future. It’s so negative that I could have been psychopaths, drug-addict or even worse. I can feel my gloomy future as I- now and then- having a gnawing  craving raging inside me which never been quenched out of the way. This desire coming up against me from my discontented mind every time I feel no sense of security which always picking up from disorientated emotion that I would have to quench it right at the moment.

It’s inexplicable but so true in every sense of my whole sinew. Thank God, He’s always my safe harbour and He’s always IS. His plans are far better than my destiny. Because of His love, I learned to hold Him tight and never let go.

I wouldn’t know exactly how long would it take for my aberrant behaviour to end and without any idea I could know how long would it take for myself to phase mutation. I would not like to put anyone around me out and I was trying to learn fending for myself. I should take life as challenges and live it to the fullest. But first and upon of all, I should learn to love myself only by the grace of God. And it always should, taking and giving the greatest love of all.