The words were resonant in my ears , vibrates everlastingly.
What if my world turn upside down?
Before the exams, I still clutched the books on my hands, studying. I went to school early in the morning like it still in the daybreak. I took everything for the studying stuff. Focus.
'Wah, Alexander. You study in this early-in-the-morning?'
'I think Alexander will go insane before we do.'
A sense of reminiscence aroused my attention, when people thought I was driven insane. Exactly, your words were right to deal with. I went insane without any senses.
What kind of person am I? I am miserable in nowhere although I know there was varied paths for me to continue my walking;yet, I am weary inside..I was daunted and melancholy with decisions made, and my growing fury which seething inside, and it might erupted in due course, sooner or later.
Perhaps my rapacity does seemingly show no ends. I know I could do it better, just my endeavours work out ;yet, I have lost in where I from and where I should go. It's all a self-delusion as I have misjudged my ability.
If I could only have a solution to rupture this entanglement, whether it should be hammered or burned it up. Scatterbrained me.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
My world wasn't vividly coloured these days.
Silence, I got use with it.
How people think me in their perspective? There was an aversion and antagonism between me and other people. I can't make myself into the normal world. There was someone who don't talk to me since that day. She was just too hypersensitive or what the slightest provocation could stir her up just on the spur of the moment. I didn't disdain on her, but she looked just the negative point of view, which really freak me out. And she didn't talk to me anymore, like the last time event recurrently happened again. I didn't talk to her not because of I hate her like she did, I just didn't want our friendship aggravated to the worst. On accredit of no communication between us, the hatred still going on like last for perpetual ages.
Recently, I greeted goodbye to her, but what she gave me no response, even a glance. What she thought she was? Aim was to show her aggressiveness, or hostility, or nonchalance? Okay, this was a stupid act for some people who wasn't need any tactful greets. Ha, I was so a fool to taught her English and knowledge which she didn't appreciate.
So, the resolution for this circumstances was to carry out some psychoanalysis by professional psychologist, if I was mentally ill or not.
I could not stand anymore, and there were exams again. My brain really hurts! No one would know, even no offered insight about how I felt, how it hurts, how my vulnerable hearts broke.
I tried so hard to concentrate on my study, and my mum kept on saying ' study is the only way for achieving a better future','What you would do besides study?'.'You need to study to stay on this society.' Bla bla bla, she preached a lot, blabbering at my ears continuously.. She only knows the word STUDY. Who was her sons and daughters will die eventually.
I depressed when I didn't reap what I sow. I struggled so hard in books and my brain blanked when it was exam. The things that I studied, even 3 weeks before the exam I started studying, but the consequences was showing failure. It was so disappointing!!
Shut up was the best response of all. I felt my body fully numb with the atmosphere, the unsettled situations and bleak circumstances. If only I could cry, but whimpering cry was worse than howling weep. Boys should not shed tears, only can disguise all the grim feelings inside.
My intuition shows - Times will not be the solution to cure my wound.
Silence, I got use with it.
How people think me in their perspective? There was an aversion and antagonism between me and other people. I can't make myself into the normal world. There was someone who don't talk to me since that day. She was just too hypersensitive or what the slightest provocation could stir her up just on the spur of the moment. I didn't disdain on her, but she looked just the negative point of view, which really freak me out. And she didn't talk to me anymore, like the last time event recurrently happened again. I didn't talk to her not because of I hate her like she did, I just didn't want our friendship aggravated to the worst. On accredit of no communication between us, the hatred still going on like last for perpetual ages.
Recently, I greeted goodbye to her, but what she gave me no response, even a glance. What she thought she was? Aim was to show her aggressiveness, or hostility, or nonchalance? Okay, this was a stupid act for some people who wasn't need any tactful greets. Ha, I was so a fool to taught her English and knowledge which she didn't appreciate.
So, the resolution for this circumstances was to carry out some psychoanalysis by professional psychologist, if I was mentally ill or not.
I could not stand anymore, and there were exams again. My brain really hurts! No one would know, even no offered insight about how I felt, how it hurts, how my vulnerable hearts broke.
I tried so hard to concentrate on my study, and my mum kept on saying ' study is the only way for achieving a better future','What you would do besides study?'.'You need to study to stay on this society.' Bla bla bla, she preached a lot, blabbering at my ears continuously.. She only knows the word STUDY. Who was her sons and daughters will die eventually.
I depressed when I didn't reap what I sow. I struggled so hard in books and my brain blanked when it was exam. The things that I studied, even 3 weeks before the exam I started studying, but the consequences was showing failure. It was so disappointing!!
Shut up was the best response of all. I felt my body fully numb with the atmosphere, the unsettled situations and bleak circumstances. If only I could cry, but whimpering cry was worse than howling weep. Boys should not shed tears, only can disguise all the grim feelings inside.
My intuition shows - Times will not be the solution to cure my wound.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Whenever I flip the pages of the new planner 2011, to the 'Staff Akademik' section, I will easily chortle inwardly. The faces are so familiar, and can resemble people I knew. For example, Cik Charlene can resemble Bess, not only their body's figure, but the faces, too. They probably twins, just their statures isn't the same.
That day, when teacher absent unusually, perhaps they were too busy or embarked on something hectic, or maybe sicked... As a result, a teacher must have substituted for the teacher in charge. The arrival of the teacher amused us to laugh, not because superficial arrival, but the apparent face- same as Boon Yan's (3B class student). She still profoundly retarded, curious about our purpose of laughing. D, P, lz were thinking it was a colossal joke, dubbed her as 'Boon Yan's mother'. I could not resist the amusement, thus I joined the party. They also decided to play a practical joke-shouted names of the passerby at the pathway outside the classroom. They screeched at the back door without a door knob, with a circular hole there.
One that I thought it was really interesting shout was from KY.She shouted with the top of her voice,' Your trouser's zip was off!'The prank led the unacquainted guy turned his head backwards, examined what had happened and where the voice emitted. After he knew it was all a prank and he sheepishly stomped away, deserving a roomful of stertorous laughter. The played the prank just for a wahile, as 'Boon Yan's mother' groaned with indignation.
I was thinking that 3A students was a LITTLE 'monkey style' but it was kinda funny. How can I say? 3A rocks! (In other negative way)
That day, when teacher absent unusually, perhaps they were too busy or embarked on something hectic, or maybe sicked... As a result, a teacher must have substituted for the teacher in charge. The arrival of the teacher amused us to laugh, not because superficial arrival, but the apparent face- same as Boon Yan's (3B class student). She still profoundly retarded, curious about our purpose of laughing. D, P, lz were thinking it was a colossal joke, dubbed her as 'Boon Yan's mother'. I could not resist the amusement, thus I joined the party. They also decided to play a practical joke-shouted names of the passerby at the pathway outside the classroom. They screeched at the back door without a door knob, with a circular hole there.
One that I thought it was really interesting shout was from KY.She shouted with the top of her voice,' Your trouser's zip was off!'The prank led the unacquainted guy turned his head backwards, examined what had happened and where the voice emitted. After he knew it was all a prank and he sheepishly stomped away, deserving a roomful of stertorous laughter. The played the prank just for a wahile, as 'Boon Yan's mother' groaned with indignation.
I was thinking that 3A students was a LITTLE 'monkey style' but it was kinda funny. How can I say? 3A rocks! (In other negative way)
Thursday, February 3, 2011
CNY
Tiresome really killed me, linking to last-night story. I knew I should tolerate and not being prejudiced but the detonating fir crackers sounded like exploded cannons did stirring me up. i aroused from slumber, induced by those reverberating explosion echoed deeply in the sky, inducing by the repugnant firecrackers, relentlessly rived my eardrums. The riled sound did perturbed me simultaneously. The next day, my eye-bags were swollen from the eye socket, similarly resembling panda's deep eyes. I went to visit people's house today;yet, i was rigid and inactive. The jokes could not amuse me and just entered one's ear and flung off from another, as I was imperturbably moody. The visits slackened me feeling very drowsy and gonna dropped off. Notwithstanding of this, I enjoyed the confectionery, junk food, snacks in lots of kinds. the main point was-got ang paw from the people.
HappyDROWSY CNY, EVERYONE!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
F U N
Just fun, despite I had a heavy drowsy headache. Somehow because I didn't have a good sleep, probably slight insomnia, caused by bewilderment, confused whether it was I having so much fun thing that evoked me during night or just purely what it was, insomnia.
I had time to blog now, finally.
Yesterday's schedule was full, ultimately. I had to wake up after hours from the daybreak, about 5am, I think. In the groggy state, I prepared myself to went for the LHDN-family-day program. I magicked up myself with aura of consciousness and bliss. I went there with my family. This program was organized by my father's colleagues. LHDN is probably my father's government company. The firm's staffs had created a pretty good ambiance. My two younger sisters were joining the colouring contest that also a part of the games from the program, and I got to help them within. My sisters all got prizes fortunately, and to be honour, I love the art that we had made (even though there wasn't much time for me to enjoy the view of my picturesque art).but... Ma love it!
I surveyed the games they played, my parents also participated. I rejected their offer to play games because I am not someone who gregarious and I doesn't love games, especially the really tiring ones. Anyways, I also indulged by my survey towards the atmosphere, the cooperation between one another, their laughter, and mainly, the foods. I usually don't eat fast food as I conceived they are unhealthy food, but the taste are just irresistible. Not only tasty were the delicacy, but I enjoyed the savor and stimulate my taste buds and my appetite revived, especially the fried chicken, I must say, Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC), I do love you so much.
The program just going on, the going including the Lucky Draw, the Prize-Giving, and much more happiness. About 2pm, the program ended and we went back delightfully, and I escaped from the last of all ,the photography session (despise to take photos towards my ugly face).
I had a while of nap, but it didn't last long because around 5 pm, I would go for the public-caroling. I never experience before how a public-caroling should be, as from my mother's words, it is like a trip to walk around the district of Miri big city. I thought it was an exhausting trip, and it must be long one, or else, my sister never rejected to go. She thought it was boring to dangle a 'gigantic embellishment' throughout the whole trip. The 'embellishment' probably is decorative details or features added to the Christmas-caroling to make the parade more attractive, but I thought it was just extravagant and a little sumptuous for the church to do these. = ="
I went there with my family (except my younger sister) around 4,30 pm, and I complained it was too early when we arrived and my mum retorted,' This was not a holy Cristian should be, this is a work for sacred God...' Yaa, she starting to chatter and unpleasantly nagging. I knew soo well she is a devout Cristian and couldn't I deny about it.
To cut short my story, the trip take about 1 hour and a half to finish and whenever we saw a crowd, we would greet,' Merry Christmas!' and won't forget to dangle the startling fluorescent stick, brightly shine in lots of colours. Some of the passer-by scowled with anger, maybe because we had made the traffic jam, besieged the drivers, but sorry because the public carol-singing out of sensitivity to the supposed tender consciences of other religions fail to notice that most people of other religions and cultures both love the story and respect the message, as the archbishop, Dr William uttered. Not only to the Britain who are 'weary annual attempts' to ban the Nativity plays or carol-singing, but to the Miri citizens, too.I saw Emmanuel seated with the people who are from Grace Church. I won't greet him, because I still scornful towards the harassment, can't be denied, I'm a sulky person.
It ended about 8 pm, I guess. Just fun to recall the past, just fun to blog, just fun to think it's fun, indeed fun, always.
I had time to blog now, finally.
Yesterday's schedule was full, ultimately. I had to wake up after hours from the daybreak, about 5am, I think. In the groggy state, I prepared myself to went for the LHDN-family-day program. I magicked up myself with aura of consciousness and bliss. I went there with my family. This program was organized by my father's colleagues. LHDN is probably my father's government company. The firm's staffs had created a pretty good ambiance. My two younger sisters were joining the colouring contest that also a part of the games from the program, and I got to help them within. My sisters all got prizes fortunately, and to be honour, I love the art that we had made (even though there wasn't much time for me to enjoy the view of my picturesque art).but... Ma love it!
I surveyed the games they played, my parents also participated. I rejected their offer to play games because I am not someone who gregarious and I doesn't love games, especially the really tiring ones. Anyways, I also indulged by my survey towards the atmosphere, the cooperation between one another, their laughter, and mainly, the foods. I usually don't eat fast food as I conceived they are unhealthy food, but the taste are just irresistible. Not only tasty were the delicacy, but I enjoyed the savor and stimulate my taste buds and my appetite revived, especially the fried chicken, I must say, Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC), I do love you so much.
The program just going on, the going including the Lucky Draw, the Prize-Giving, and much more happiness. About 2pm, the program ended and we went back delightfully, and I escaped from the last of all ,the photography session (despise to take photos towards my ugly face).
I had a while of nap, but it didn't last long because around 5 pm, I would go for the public-caroling. I never experience before how a public-caroling should be, as from my mother's words, it is like a trip to walk around the district of Miri big city. I thought it was an exhausting trip, and it must be long one, or else, my sister never rejected to go. She thought it was boring to dangle a 'gigantic embellishment' throughout the whole trip. The 'embellishment' probably is decorative details or features added to the Christmas-caroling to make the parade more attractive, but I thought it was just extravagant and a little sumptuous for the church to do these. = ="
I went there with my family (except my younger sister) around 4,30 pm, and I complained it was too early when we arrived and my mum retorted,' This was not a holy Cristian should be, this is a work for sacred God...' Yaa, she starting to chatter and unpleasantly nagging. I knew soo well she is a devout Cristian and couldn't I deny about it.
To cut short my story, the trip take about 1 hour and a half to finish and whenever we saw a crowd, we would greet,' Merry Christmas!' and won't forget to dangle the startling fluorescent stick, brightly shine in lots of colours. Some of the passer-by scowled with anger, maybe because we had made the traffic jam, besieged the drivers, but sorry because the public carol-singing out of sensitivity to the supposed tender consciences of other religions fail to notice that most people of other religions and cultures both love the story and respect the message, as the archbishop, Dr William uttered. Not only to the Britain who are 'weary annual attempts' to ban the Nativity plays or carol-singing, but to the Miri citizens, too.I saw Emmanuel seated with the people who are from Grace Church. I won't greet him, because I still scornful towards the harassment, can't be denied, I'm a sulky person.
It ended about 8 pm, I guess. Just fun to recall the past, just fun to blog, just fun to think it's fun, indeed fun, always.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Alone.
Alone, it is a good word in my opinion, and it means to relieve and free from any bother and agitation; tranquility. I always hope for solitariness, for ever. I loathe the people to obtrude the tranquility I had built up for. Because of the solitariness, I can feel the peace and placidity.
Nonetheless, if there is a bother, and it pester me for some lunatic reasons, I will damn well go crazy! This also leads me to have no friends, but it is so keen that I desire for, because I can get rid of the fake and hypocritical mask and to be the real me. The real me, is just a humourous person of a kind, and love to tell jokes to make people laugh and the job will never let spirits down.
Friends are whom can't be bother, because they always need you to put so much efforts and times with them, not only to perpetuate the conversation although with so much unwilling thoughts. Someone like me occasionally try to relinquish and end up a conversation, and each conversation will not last long. Just answering the unpleasant interrogation and it will always end up with, 'I'm busy right now, later?' or 'gotta go now, see you later', even ruder, 'Bye' just in short message, easy right? but it can hurt one's heart.
You will always need to seem gregarious, so will need to smile to them. Do people know that smile is an exhausted task? I mean, do people always need to smile, because it seem so unwilling and hypocritical. Even though I know that pure smile can brighten a person's mood even herself aura, but for me, it is so insincere. I will guess if they have some slyly schemes, because people are as cunning as fox.
I only believe in God, because everything is predestined, and I know HE will definitely prepare the best for me.
So, remain emo...
Nonetheless, if there is a bother, and it pester me for some lunatic reasons, I will damn well go crazy! This also leads me to have no friends, but it is so keen that I desire for, because I can get rid of the fake and hypocritical mask and to be the real me. The real me, is just a humourous person of a kind, and love to tell jokes to make people laugh and the job will never let spirits down.
Friends are whom can't be bother, because they always need you to put so much efforts and times with them, not only to perpetuate the conversation although with so much unwilling thoughts. Someone like me occasionally try to relinquish and end up a conversation, and each conversation will not last long. Just answering the unpleasant interrogation and it will always end up with, 'I'm busy right now, later?' or 'gotta go now, see you later', even ruder, 'Bye' just in short message, easy right? but it can hurt one's heart.
You will always need to seem gregarious, so will need to smile to them. Do people know that smile is an exhausted task? I mean, do people always need to smile, because it seem so unwilling and hypocritical. Even though I know that pure smile can brighten a person's mood even herself aura, but for me, it is so insincere. I will guess if they have some slyly schemes, because people are as cunning as fox.
I only believe in God, because everything is predestined, and I know HE will definitely prepare the best for me.
So, remain emo...
Friday, December 3, 2010
Apology
I make things worse, especially friendship. I always offer insight that people think I'm a hypocrite. That day, I sent a message and post it in someone's facebook wall, just want to amuse someone to grin, but I make the trouble, and she might think that I'm willing to infuriate her. I didn't know anything but I pretended to know everything. it was so a debacle, indeed she might thought I meant to make her angry. To retrieve the wounded friendship and preventing it to deteriorate, I would try to apologise. Whenever an apology is emanated from myself, she would hate me because she thought that I never expiated, but I did, just I didn't know how to express it.
Friendship is a total failure for me, I don't know how to perpetuate a friendship. I didn't know these things and because of them, I get giddy within. I don't know and couldn't know what people's thought. I want to use a duct tape to recover all the worst I had caused, but I perplexed how to get it right. The bleak circumstances, causing a sense of desolation and hope I could bemoan towards someone; yet, no ones could I shared towards.
Towards someone who I made them furious:
Sorry. Maybe you rejected my apology but I still need to apologise to set my mind and relieved. I just want to make our friendship perpetual but as the debacle from me, didn't know how to do. I know you spurn at me, but I must say I know my character isn't intact, but still, sorry.
The 'someone' probably are:
1) Dinosour -although you are really a squalor, but sorry for my contempt and ostracism.
2) Emo -You must think I'm hypocritical, but yes, I'm one of a hypocrite and sorry for disappointing you.
3) Sharon -Sorry I didn't greet you whenever I saw you.
4) QiLi -I know you don't have a computer with internet connection; thus, you won't see this but sorry because I show-off in front of you.
I miss the real me, and I feel dismally empty, because what if the real me does, how he make things better? I miss the cheerful me, the person who could amuse people to break into broad smiles; but who am I now, is someone I don't know.
Friendship is a total failure for me, I don't know how to perpetuate a friendship. I didn't know these things and because of them, I get giddy within. I don't know and couldn't know what people's thought. I want to use a duct tape to recover all the worst I had caused, but I perplexed how to get it right. The bleak circumstances, causing a sense of desolation and hope I could bemoan towards someone; yet, no ones could I shared towards.
Towards someone who I made them furious:
Sorry. Maybe you rejected my apology but I still need to apologise to set my mind and relieved. I just want to make our friendship perpetual but as the debacle from me, didn't know how to do. I know you spurn at me, but I must say I know my character isn't intact, but still, sorry.
The 'someone' probably are:
1) Dinosour -although you are really a squalor, but sorry for my contempt and ostracism.
2) Emo -You must think I'm hypocritical, but yes, I'm one of a hypocrite and sorry for disappointing you.
3) Sharon -Sorry I didn't greet you whenever I saw you.
4) QiLi -I know you don't have a computer with internet connection; thus, you won't see this but sorry because I show-off in front of you.
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more and more but I can't remember their names once... If I do remember, I will post the names in this post as promptly as possible.
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I miss the real me, and I feel dismally empty, because what if the real me does, how he make things better? I miss the cheerful me, the person who could amuse people to break into broad smiles; but who am I now, is someone I don't know.
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