Some thought on your failure to get into your dream school for your favourite dentistry.

It's been a while since I updated this blog. As of now, I've already been through my final year study, and currently on a job hunt. I came across this post in some confession page last night. The author whined about the experience which was exactly the same as what I have experienced. 

As the post was in Mandarin, I did my best in the translation.

"    Yesterday, I got the result of my UPU application and I was completely floored. 

    My SPM result was 6A+ 4A, and for the science subjects, besides an A for my add maths, I obtained all A+'s for all the others. In my secondary school, I strive so hard in many science-related competitions, thinking that it would be advantageous for future applications. Then, I went to matriculation institute, which was 500km-600km away from my home. I endured over a year and obtained CGPA 4.0, MUET band 5, and with co-curriculum of 10 (marks).

    I thought that I could finally take up my favourite course of study and realise my own dream, but my dream shattered last night. I have applied dentistry in UM, UKM, and USM, and they all failed. Instead, I obtained the fifth choice. 

    Did I do so terribly in the interview?  Before the interview, I collected so much information & experience from the previous dental interview candidates and studied the potential interview questions. After that, I typed all the answers out in a file for each of the questions. Needless to say, I practised for so many times, and I even went to all kinds of website to obtain the dental or dentistry-related data to support my answers. I looked for dental knowledge, gum diseases, and looked into how to care for the teeth, dentistry specialist, crowning teeth, etc. I even watched all Dr. Kayla Teh's video. I prepared and did whatever I could. TBH, I thought I was doing well in the interview. I talked smoothly, and was able to answered all the questions. I expected all those questions.

    I wondered where I did wrong? I think I'm a waste, and all my confidence was destroyed. Even after the interview, I prayed so hard. Not even once I didn't think about my dream. I told myself that I would get into dentistry! I even endured the most difficult time in my matriculation, just for my one and only dream - to be a dentist. It's my passion and my goal, but the result wasn't what I wanted at all. 

My family couldn't afford private dental colleges, and the cheapest one cost 300 thousand. Where should I go now? There's little to none scholarship for dentistry as the fees are very expensive. UPU result splashed a bucket of cold water on me, stripping away my passion in studying in a university. I lost all the expectations of being in a university. Now I know that efforts do not guarantee an accomplished dream. When I compared myself to some of my friends in my secondary school, even though they didn't have a good result, their family could provide them with the tuition fees of a private dental university. 

    Where did I lose? I don't know. But I know I lost the drive to continue my study. My efforts all this while had gone to drain. I can't stop crying. Anybody help?"

After reading this post, I could relate very much to the author's experience and feelings. If you wondered why, I actually wrote about my USM dentistry interview in my previous blog. Link is attached down below,

http://2ndalexander.blogspot.com/2016/05/usm-dentistry-interview.html

I did not get a placement in USM to study dentistry, which was my first choice back then. I did fight all the way to get the placement, although I know that there's only a slim chance of success. In Malaysia, the recent batch of matriculation student reached an estimated number of 40,000, and the number of STPM students increases drastically over the years. Therefore, a placement of studying your favourite course in your dream school wasn't easy at all, given the increasingly intense competition. Moreover, you are also competing with students who studied A-level or equivalent. Unfortunately, getting into your favourite Malaysian public university wasn't depending on your effort only, but also, luck, especially dentistry, since you are fighting for the placement which everyone is killing for. 

As for me, I used to naively think that dentistry was the only way to succeed in life as I was told by many that dentists make good money. I was always an excellent student in academics. I scored straight A's  (8A+, 2A) in my SPM,  and 3A* 1A in my A-level. I do believe that, should I have been given the chance, I would be very likely to succeed. However, I was quite devastated when I failed the interview, which I had prepared day in, day out. The failure did take a dead toll on my self-confidence, as I started to doubt my competence and all my efforts. I did mention in my previous blog that my family could not afford the staggeringly expensive tuition fees of a private dental school. The scholarship for dentistry is still low in number and the chance of receiving is very low. Therefore, I accept the reality and I took the given fifth choice instead, which is Bachelor of Engineering (Mechanical-Aeronautics) in UTM. Despite the fact that I wasn't able to study dentistry, to this day, I still think I made the right decision to study my course because it is a whole new better world for me. 

So, my words to all the candidates who failed the interviews: Don't lose hope, and don't give up. If that was your one and only dream, just fight for it. If you still want to stick to your dream, you can appeal (rayu). Otherwise, take whatever course you were given and scored excellently in the exams of the end semesters. You can plead for your dream course again, provided that the university of your given choice has dentistry course. 

To the author of the confession, and people who is currently going through the same experience, I would like to say these,

1. Nothing is absolute or guaranteed in our lives. Same goes to success. Success isn't merely depending on efforts. But I do believe success depends on your attitude and outlook in life.

2. Don't compare yourself with others because everyone has a different starting point in our life race.

3. The reality is cruel but you shouldn't let it defeat you and your confidence because when you stop believing, that'll be the end of you.

4. Give the other alternative a chance, even though it wasn't your first choice. "When one door closes, another door opens. But we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we did not see the one which has open for us." and if you did pray so much, remember "God doesn't close one door without getting ready to open another with bigger and greater things."

I would now proudly say this: I found greater things in my decision. How about you? Whatever your decision is, I wish you all the best in life!

USM dentistry interview

Other applicants' alternative becomes my only option.  #usmdentistry #interview2016

It's May and that means there's gonna be USM interview. I have waited for this interview for many days and nights and the success of this interview will mean a monumental step towards my dream of being a dentist.

Ten days earlier, I received a message that I had got an offer for the dental interview from USM (Universiti Sains Malaysia). I don't have any backup plan so this interview means everything to me. Firstly, it is the only public university in Malaysia that offers dentistry for A-level students. Next, my parents couldn't afford the staggeringly expensive tuition fees and expenses of a private university. In short, it is my only hope for my dentist dream. (It sounds distressing but it's the bloody truth)

I checked on the USM website and I was told to bring all of my original certificates and the slip for the interview. That slip gave me details about the venue, the date and the time. It read,

PROGRAM PENGAJIAN  : SD00 - IJAZAH DOKTOR PERGIGIAN

TARIKH                              : 5/5/2016

MASA                                 : 8.15 PAGI
TEMPAT                          : HOTEL RIVERSIDE MAJESTIC, KUCHING, SARAWAK

As to the dress code, well, it stated ' Sila hadir dengan berpakaian kemas'. Going by that, I assumed every male candidate would spruce themselves up in formal attire with a tie. On the other hand, ladies could opt to don a Baju Kurung or a formal attire with a blazer. 

Pre-interview preparations

First of all, the preparation is quite of a key to the success of any interview. I search online for blogs of candidates of the interviews from previous years but I wasn't sure if they pulled it off. Also, there are plenty of  Youtube video clips that provide some useful tips for interviews. I even saw a video clip about a person's body language could determine the success of an interview. So, do check it out. 

https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en

Moreover, I did some research on the syllabus of dentistry and USM.

On the day before the interview, I went on an afternoon flight from Miri to Kuching. I stayed over for a sleepless night at my cousin's house.

Before interview

The next day it came the nerve-wracking interview. When I arrived there at 7.30am, the candidates were coming in flocks to the third floor out from the lift. People were everywhere. Then I spotted my old school chums and I gave them that look from a stone's throw away.

'That look'

I was astonished by schoolmates who I didn't expect to come for the interview. They are bursary students. (Bursary students are privileged to be fully supported by our government in their tertiary education.) They had no worries whatsoever on settling in a private university. They came anyway for the public schools' interviews. They told me they had so many choices and USM is one of their alternatives. A backup plan, they called it. They supposed this was an alternative for me. Grinning sheepishly, I replied them with a flat-out no. Their alternative is my only option.

We queued up to register and then I followed a group of dental interviewees to a row of chairs arranged outside a room. We were given a form about how much you agree or disagree with the situations given. It's some sort of a personality test and we were told to answer them with immediate response. 

The sequence of being interviewed was random. We could go in as long as we felt like it. Then, we made the sequence among ourselves. I was the eighth interviewee. I did prayed a lot and I did breathe in and out as if I was in labour. No shame but this is how we calm our nerves. 

Interview 

Once after I said good morning, I was facing a dilemma. Should I shake hands? They are too many pantangs (don'ts) amongst the Muslims but shaking hands is one of the do's for the interview. Screw it. I just shook my hands with each of them regardless of gender. I was able to recognise their faces, therefore I thought addressing their names could give them a good impression of me. However, they weren't impressed at all but cutting me off by quickly asking me to take a seat. The tone was so nonchalant, taking a toll on my confidence. 

I wondered why their lack of enthusiasm. It might be that I was the eighth interview candidate. They might be exhausted and got straight to the point of knowing me by dispensing with the pleasantries. I learnt that I shouldn't try so hard to please them because it was uncomfortable for me and for the interviewers. 

While the male interviewer asked me questions, the other female interviewer was perusing my certs. The questions asked were simple, 

-Tell me about yourself (Malay)

-What are the occupations of your parents (Malay)

-Are your siblings working or studying (Malay)

-Why do you choose dentistry (Malay)

-What are the characteristic of a dentist (Malay)

When the questions were addressed in Malay language, I should speak in Malay language. If they addressed the questions in English, I would be expected to answer them in English. The only expected question that they didn't ask was 'why did you choose USM'. They were so sick of hearing those all memorised answers from most of the candidates before me, like 'APEX University, only university that implements school system instead of faculty system, recognition of 5-star university by MQA, good quality of teaching and learning etc. 

As I told them I chose USM because it was an APEX university, the male interviewer gave me an 'I-don't-care' look. 

'I-don't-care' look

He continued to ask

(Blue - me , Red - interviewer)

-What do you know about dentistry (English)

-What do you know about the syllabus and topics in dentistry (English)

-How long is the course of study? (English)

For this question, I was confused if it was a 4 or 5 years course, then I answered,

'I think it should be a 4 to 5 years course.'

'It's 5 years.'

'Oh.'  Damn, I should have known it

-When did you last see a dentist? (English)

-What is your highest achievement in co-curriculum? (English)

-Do you represent your school for sports? (English)

-What will you do if you can't enter USM to study dentistry? (English)

-Do you like music? Do you play any musical instruments? (English)

It somehow annoyed me when he repeated so many times for this statement 'we will only choose 50 students out of 300 applicants.'

Case study

After that, it was the case study part. the female interviewer gave me a card and asked me to choose a language to read the situation given in the card. I chose English and it read :

'A 90-year-old man is living alone. He is sick lately. His wife has just passed away and his two children are not living with him. Your mother chooses to take care of him and prepare meals for him. What would you do to manage his problem?'

Wait, what's his problem? First, identify the problem. 

'So, this old man was sick and his wife has just passed away and his two children are not living with him..' Dear me, I just repeated the question. The spike of my Cortisol level make me a raving idiot. My mind went so well I can't even.

Then, give a solution for the problem.

'I'd just take care of him.'

No, I didn't just say that.

She apparently wasn't satisfied with my answer. 

'But, your mother prepared the meal for him and took good care of him.' 

Stay focus!

'Okay, I'd send him to the hospital to seek help from doctors to cure his illness.'

'But would he feel happy if he stayed in the hospital?'

Good point. 

'Then, I think I'd hire the doctors and nurses to his house to take good care of him.'

'But that required a lot of money.'

'I will persuade the doctors and the nurses to help him. Or else, I just volunteer myself.'

That still didn't solve the problem.

'Why wouldn't you send him to Rumah orang tua (old folks home)?'

'No, cannot!'

'Why?'

'It's because it's cruel to the old man.'

'But it has the good medical facilities and medical staffs.'

'The old man's wife has just passed away and his children are not with him. He must feel very bad and lonely. It will cause him pain and negative emotions. Negative emotions will not help a person in healing his illness but to aggravate his sickness. Study has shown that only when a patient is positive about life then his illness can be recovered more easily.'

'But he is a 90-year-old'

'......'

Girl.

'That doesn't mean that a 90-year-old guy cannot get medical assistance from professionals. Every individual should have the right to obtain medical assistance from medical professionals as stated in the law.'

She nodded in agreement with my answer but after all, there was no solution to the problem.

Thinking back about it, I wasn't showing the professionalism and rationalism that are required by a dentist. The execution was the messy part. 

In the end, there were no right or wrong answers since they were all my opinions. 

Post-interview feeling 

Ask one about these questions,

Did I show who I really am?

1) empathy (yes and it's overloading)

2) professionalism (too little to be considered a yes and too much to be considered a no)

3) rationalism (NOT ONE BIT)

Exactly

I was surprised that there wasn't any wire bending-session which I had expected. They said it would only be carried out by applicants from the West Malaysia. 

Overall, it's an easy interview. However, it is too competitive. I have got only less than 20% chance to study dentistry in USM. I don't think I did a good job in this interview but I'm sure as hell this interview did a very good job in giving me sleepless nights. 

I will definitely scream my stress out in the private KTV. Definitely.

Regrets

I worked as a sales advisor at Digi telecommunication company. It had been about 3 weeks since I started to take on the job. The Digi outlet I worked at was in Bintang megamall. Going by the information from my senior, the outlet was just a dealer, not the main center.

A native guy came up to me and asked me about the iPhone 6s plan. I assumed that he was like any other window shoppers who asked plenty of questions in our outlet just to kill time. So I just showed him the plan and briefly explained to him.

As far as I was concerned, the customers who wanted to buy iPhone 6s encountered quite an awful lot of problems. One of them was the unavailability of credit card usage for a transaction, since our credit card machine was faulty, as far as I could remember. Also, the postpaid system was quite often down. Due to the deficiency of the employees' knowledge and skills, we couldn't help those who wanted to register for supplementary lines or auto-billing. It only resorted to proceeding their purchase at Digi main center.

Nonetheless, to my surprise, this guy insisted on buying the iPhone 6s, even though I claimed that we only allowed cash. Although he brought only his credit card, he asked me to wait for him to withdraw the cash from the ATM nearby in the mall. If I was not mistaken, those ATM would charge another 10% for the withdrawal of cash but he seemed not to care much about it. In that case, I asked him to purchase the phone on any other day in the future, he declined kindly and replied to me that he had planned to surprise his daughter with the iPhone as a Christmas gift. Granted that she would not be in Miri after Christmas, he decided to buy it as soon as possible.

Thankfully, the postpaid system was not down by then. I was quite carried away by ecstasy because I had finally had a chance to sell an iPhone 6s once in my life! I hoped I did not pass up this golden  opportunity.

So, he came back with a well-loaded wallet and asked me to carry on. I eagerly took the plan booklet to the computer on my senior desk. As she made room for me, I asked her to teach me how to make the purchase of iPhone 6s. I had seen the procedure before so I was quite confident about it. The customer then sat in front of me at the counter.

It was a change of plan, from 48 plan to 50 plan. During the procedure, my senior guided me all along the way. By the time I clicked the 'submit' button, I thought everything was just perfect, and I was quite overwhelmed with a sense of accomplishment. However, everything went down the drain, when Jacky, the new recruit who had just joined in Digi much later than me and was way better than me, came along and looked at my printed documents. He pointed out that I had left the device out of the procedure of changing the plan; it was an oversight. I jolly well knew I would definitely be in the dead shit. I felt the blood drained away from my face. I stood there so rigidly as if I had been struck hard in the face.

My senior who was also caught off guard during the procedure came by after photocopying his ID card and recognized the mistake. She was so calm as though it was nothing to be worried about. It only bugged her when she found out that she could not undo the mistake. We searched for any cancel button or the undo button that could call off the deal, but all the efforts were in vain. My senior did make a call to Digi helpline, but the person on the other end told us to do an adjustment, in which it could take about a few weeks to be completed. The die was cast, and there were no other alternatives.

The customer seemed to acknowledge our panic and asked what all the matter was. I faked a smile, failing in my attempt to be professional, and filled him in that he had changed his offering to 50 plan without purchasing an iPhone 6s. Even for an adjustment, it would take about 2 to 3 weeks. I could sense a dramatic change in his facial expression, from obvious delight to clear-cut upset. The sense of guilt speared my body through, and I could not help apologizing to him umpteen times.

It seemed as if you have broken all the fragile glassware into shreds and shards. Telling them that you were sorry does not help or change anything. The metaphor dawned on me that I had to face the terrible storm ahead of me, no matter what. My brain was shut down and I was riveted to the spot like an erect statue.

'How could you make such a mistake?'
'Aren't you Digi staff?'
'I thought it was all fine, isn't it?'

I braced myself for the blame, come what may; but instead, out of my expectations, he chose to forgive me. I remembered before he went off, he still held the slightest ray of hope that there were some solutions to the slipshod mistake I had made. Masking all my hangdog look with indifference, I replied to him with a flat-out no. His face was laden with so much disappointment. It was bucketing down on me.

I could not even condone my unforgivable mistake. How unacceptable it was for me to excessively overestimate myself, and to not even double check the procedure. I felt so sorry for the guy and his daughter. Not only was I whipped by a twinge of regret, but I was actually so painfully ashamed of myself. I came to realize that he was actually entitled to redress for what I had done, but he rather chose not to do so and opted to forgive me. That was why I could not get over it.

Imagine this: You were a pilot. Given a technical mistake you had made, you took the wrong direction and caused an inconvenient delay to the flight, or to the whole airplane system. The gravity of making a mistake is even more prominent in a case at which you were a surgeon. During a surgery, you slipped up by accidentally cutting off one of the patient's main arteries, and this leads to the person's death. As a result, not only were you liable for the person's death but were also responsible for his family's loss.

It was hard to measure the depth of guilt when you thought you could help but in the end, the stupid mistake you made had nothing to help the situation as to get any better, but to take its toll on the  person who was in urgent need.

Sometimes I do hope there's a cancel or undo button where I can just undo every mistake I made in my life, to perfect flaws that come about. But the thing is, life doesn't give you an undo button, even though the world stigmatizes mistakes. I believe chances are given to people who are always prepared to grab them, not people who make mistakes and blow them away.

I guess the pang of guilt seared my mind, reminding myself how important it is to learn from mistakes and not to repeat them.

Rookie

I have never officially stepped into the society. For some reasons - self-esteem issue, coddling under the shelter of overprotective parents, and etc - I have never worked as a part-timer ever before in my life. It's a shame to say that I'm an ignorant inexperienced 20-year-old who doesn't even know how to find a job.

But the truth is if you want something you have never had, you have to do something you have never done. So the first step I would take, is to get out of that comfort zone, confront my fear, realize God is bigger than those trivial fears of mine, and to tell myself to stay put. And to get out of my comfort zone, I need to put away my pride and ego, before I get into serving the people. It dawns on me that the fear is so overwhelming because how shallow my faith and confidence were.

I'm not just scared, I'm terrified. I have to get down on my priority list and my time management. Job and study and exams cram in a sardine can. Also, I'm like a newbie born to a brand new world. A greenhorn like me can only deserve a trifling amount of RM 900 per month. Some people say it is a scam of providing such a low pay, yet there are words saying it's an average pay in an economic recession.

I basically obtain RM 30 per day and less than RM 3 per hour. After the deduction of the lunch and dinner expenses, let's say I spent the least of RM 5 for each meal, I may only obtain RM 20 per day, not including my petrol expenses. All in all, I may not earn much per month, but in a positive prospect, I may gain some experience in the particular field. So that is the only reason I get to work on next tiring Monday.

I wish to start afresh with that new job in the IT store. I don't have any idea of what I'm going to do and what I have to deal with anything held in store. For many reasons I have thought not to go for it, but with one God's command to serve the people as if you are serving God Himself, so I'd give it a go, come what may.

What I have to do now is not to care much and leave everything in His hand for I know He will rule and reign my life. He's the author of the script of my life which star me in the main role of that movie, a movie of life. And I'd present the best of I could for God's sake.

Wish me all the best then.

Trust and mistrust

Trust is a hard term for me. Mistrust is an issue when you have gone too far. In the progress of growing up, I have learnt from experiences, by observing my family and particularly, my parents, that mistrust is a way to deal with uncertainties, and insecurities. People are the uncertainties and the most insecure of all. A relationship isn't as easy as ABC, nor would it be like one plus one equal to 2. It's more than the most knotty mathematical equations or complicated physics theories. 

In my childhood, constant tease by friends has established an indefinitely low self-esteem. It was more apparent when I was dragged into adolescence. Keeping away myself from possible development of friendships had given me many considerable implications, and it isn't hard to tell because my appearance gave away my lack of confidence. 

Now in the earlier twenties, I told myself that I need to drive all those negatives away and start afresh, but will I be able to? Doubts and uncertainties sink in again. Much more what-if go on and on. 

Trust is the fundamental stepping stone for all relationships. Despite the killing truth, I can't give a damn trust to myself, let alone the people around me. There again, those frigging emotions are playing tricks with me. Speaking of trust, everybody has a side where we will leave some spaces in our hearts lest people will stab our behinds because we know we don't mind to be stabbed and hurt, but the agonizing part is nothing more than the dark truth that it is whom we love and care for do such a thing to us.

And, when we are so conformed into the society, we tend to lose the authenticity of ourselves. We want to be somebody. People say that weak men show negative emotions, and will be judged as immature. So they bottle things up and get schizophrenia, or otherwise, a mental sickness that could possibly result in suicidal thoughts. Society has a certain standard and norm, and whom not following would be deemed weird and odd. And what considered to be not weird may lead us to the thesis of human psychology. 

So, people say you need to start to believe yourself before you can overcome your trust issue. It looks so simple. But hell, how? Low self-esteem and lack of confidence over years can be solved miraculously by just believing yourself. From there, we would talk about having steadfast faith in God, before believing yourself. It seems that decades of prayers aren't sufficed to learn to keep my faith. I encountered some comebacks, that action speaks louder than words. I suppose action requires dauntless steps to which I am still learning to conquer.

It is going to be 5 more weeks until the real A2 exams. I have still not yet reached my goals. So, I would just have to keep my eyes on God and do whatever I can. God may use a lifetime to teach me a lesson. Every obstacle is small paces closer towards Him. 

Don't forget

We tend to forget a lot of dreams made when we were still a little boy. So am I. When I was young, I would dream of being a big guy who is to everyone's liking and is the friendliest and nicest.

However, I found out that as the years had gone, I grew up to acknowledge the importance of happiness. It's greater than wealth. There was a list of 'don't-forget' when I was an adolescence, to the future me.

1) don't forget about living a life

2) don't forget about the passion in drawing.

3) don't forget about giving back money to my parents as I have a job.

4) don't forget to be yourself.

5) don't forget to smile.

6) don't forget about God.

The last one has used to be the one I forgot the most in my life. Without it, I'm nothing. So, by now I'm pursuing something bigger in life - my future career - the so-called success. A question in my mind brought upon by the past till now and then, it still remains, ' is that what I want?' 

Maybe. It could be, or not. I don't know. But another question follows, ' is that what God wants?' That's the hardcore part of all. That leaves me in clouds of doubt. 

I wanted success. I want positiveness, happiness, unbroken family, many friends, a good listener, an inspirational speaker, a life that shines when other souls are bleak, a warm heart that console when the close ones are down and most of all, I covet God 's approval.

I have nothing in life but Him. Thinking of the past did fail me, especially when the past reminded me of those that I could have achieved and those that I have not yet achieved, but God is my strength, He will lead me through stormy waters because when I have God, I have everything. 

Drama

I used to vent a lot here than in the realistic world I live in. It could be because I'm not the kind of outspoken person. And when I did, they brought along with barbs and negativity. I have always wanted to be the positive man among all the people around me but I found out that the negative world is much easier to affect me than the other way round. So it was actually quite sad.

Speaking of barbs, I thought of recent events similar to such. I had been trying hard to lighten up awkward formal conversations by just adding some jokes. Maybe I had tried damn too hard and push it too far, so things have got little backfired. 

During the days of my exams, I was so sick of books and study. My chemistry lecturer was actually a devoted educationalist in her field of study. She was also my tutor. After the arduous chemistry exams, I watched quite a few short Buzzfeed video clips on YouTube to wind down a little bit. By the time her message popped out on my phone's screen asking how the exam had been going, I was just answering her perfunctorily because I have got them all behind me, but actually it was more to the reason of getting rid of distractions. Should I ignore her message? She then reminded me of the late payment of the tuition fee but I was so out of my mind to reply. 'Okay if that's all you concerned' I replied. That was supposed to be a joke. I waited for her reply for like quite a few minutes while I laughed at my joke.

Typing...
Online
Typing...

It went like this for a long time, before the missile went off.

'What do you mean? '

What was it? Did I say something wrong?

'You are rude'

Damn, was this an off-limit? Or was that I was too flippant and insensitive. I was dead meat, no shit. I should apologise.

'Sorry, I didn't mean it.'
'I'm so sorry..'

Typing...

'I may not want you for tuition.'

Really, girl? Are you serious? 

Yep, so she took it very seriously then. Little did I know how unbecoming it was to hit those lines with a very stern yet sensitive lecturer, and she was not even my silly friends.

'I am very sorry about those insensitive words I have said, please forgive me. I promised I would not talk stupidly again.'

Seen

She hung everything up in the air, casting me to wonder if she had forgiven me or not. And, I was left very disconcerting over the undecided denouement of these dramatic twists and turns.

The very next day was my critical thinking exam. I was not prepared well underway, neither it physically nor mentally.

I didn't know if I would face the music or it could be worse. I came up to her and addressed the tuition fee to her followed by a repentant apology. She heard me saying but she kept burying in her work and told me, 'no talking and go out.' Distant and cold.

So, everyone, brace yourself. This would be very dramatic. 

The money in my hand stuck in the stationary air of absolute zero, and all the lecturers around seemed so disinterested. With a blank mind, I just did what she told and went away from the staff room, away from the hell world, and back to the classroom. I gave a phone call to Mum to ask her if she could talk her out, in a shimmer of hope that she might listen to parents instead of some guilty bastards like me.

Despite the fact, she didn't pick up my mum's call. Past year papers were on the table in front of me but none of the words was taken in. And with that unsettled emotions, I went into the exam room, praying that those emotions would not reign over me.  Also, if you are interested, she was my invigilator for the critical thinking exam. What to expect when it could possibly be something even worse? I suppose that would probably be my CT paper with the questions I had no idea how to solve.

And now, I didn't give a shit. I made a drama out of every single thing in my life. I screwed up. That's all you had to know.  

But, at least, I should clear things up. So, I decided to return to the staff room after the exam ended. The tuition fee should be paid to her. Everything would be just fine, or maybe not. Facing her again, I pleaded with her to keep the money. This time, her voice sounded more indifferent, 'no, you just read my message and that's it.' It cast me in clouds of doubt, what message she was referring to?

Along the way to the parking lot, I was too preoccupied to listen to my friends' discussion about the CT paper. I gave way to much of the uneasiness in my head. Back at home, I checked the message and I read ' keep the money to yourself. Please Do not come to see or call me thank you'.

I still could not believe that I had written the entire post about her. Jeez

You might think I'm so dumb as it's not a big deal to have her as my tutor. In spite of these dramas going on, she is really good in the lectures. She just has her styles of dealing with stuff. I remembered in one of her tuition classes, she talked smack about her previous student. She was totally annoyed with the student who bumped into her but didn't come up to greet her. He only recognized her when he wanted a recommendation from her for a job. She criticized the student as one of those practical realistic bunch who only curried favour with people only to cater their needs.

So, yeah, probably that was what I had been so concerned about.. 

I know nothing what would be going on next but what I know was that I could possibly be one of her spicy add-on in her future conversation with more lecturers and students. Who knows? I only knew that for the past 3 weeks, she sent me to Coventry, not even making any eye contact. And for God knows how long it would take for all these cold shoulders to last, so she could start to talk to me again, even though I jolly well know it would never revert to that as before.

So I score an F for my social life, as I have admitted long ago. Apologies won't change anything as what's done has been done, what's broken could be hard to be fixed and the only hope I found was in my spiritual prayer with God. Nothing could be changed, so I could only leave it to the time and to God.

Dude, get real! Nobody cares anyway, and the point was that she was old and senile. I don't think I should expect more.



Happy weekends. 

Shed this piece of Feaces officially

It's just childish when people reveal too much of their negative emotions in this judgmental world. I mean they are showing their weaknesses to others. People may take these to make you out a laughing stock. I mean it's not the first time for me to experience being laughed at. It's much crueler than I could have imagined at which the disdain and atrocious sympathy are coming from whom you deem as true friends. Be that as it may, the cold water buckets down on you that they were your true friends. They just somehow don't know you well enough to judge about you.

The sadness overwhelmed me when they told me that I'm such a pity. I'm sick of being a trash to covet someone's sympathy. Yes, it's so easy for me to reveal my own feelings. It makes me wonder if I should keep all my true feelings to myself because nobody cares about one who wears his heart on his sleeve. Otherwise, they would just take pity on him. 

This sounds more like a grumble about the people and the world. Maybe I'm just not grown up enough to understand it. Maybe I'm not mature enough to feign indifference to hurtful critics and to accept them willingly. Maybe I'm not thoughtful of putting up a brave front before somebody else. It speared through me that I don't even have a real friend who shares empathy for me and my weaknesses and together we get over it. My only best friend, as well as the trustworthy listener for me to deeply confide in, is God. He always listens to my prayer even when it's awash with tears and sentiments. Thank God

Well, my weaknesses are disclosed. I know I'm a very introverted person who kicks up a fuss about the bother of not fitting into the social circle and the concern about not having many friends. I've never complained about my situation in real life, but just simply voice out when I'm writing a status on Facebook. People take it too seriously by now and think that I'm a social outcast. However, it does bug me for the reason I'm not capable of communicating and interacting amicably with someone else. FYI, I'm dealing with slight social anxiety disorder. It's knotty when you can't assertively raise your hand to answer questions in the class when you feel your hands sweaty for going out in public, when you are painfully embarrassed about people's slightest critics and judgement about you, and when you attempt to avoid those penetrating eyes staring at u.

So it's sad as people can just make a critical conclusion about you without looking into your past, into the endless endeavor to get a transformation, and into your real personality. It's not sensible to make me out from a vague Facebook status or hearsay. Don't they think speaking with me and hanging out with me is the best way to know me more? The latter I'm speaking of might know too little about me to run into that conclusion. Some part of my mind tells me this piece: I am who I am, take it or leave it. But after much pondering, I think it'd be better to better myself for an unparalleled metamorphosis. Put simply, I appreciate their sympathy and I will move on for a better me. 

I'm writing this not to pour out this scum of my negative emotions, but to direct my voice to anyone else who is also up against the same circumstances. They are not alone.

Long time since I've been here

It has been so long since I've been here. I just want to update my blog so that it wouldn't be so dilapidated, and forgotten. It's true that I have settled in the life of being a college student; yet, it seems like being a sophomore is a matter of yesterday.

College life isn't what I have imagined; what I'd sum up of all is that it's quite the same like the days in the secondary school, where studies and exams came all headlong towards me. I'm glad to have some friends there, and it's easy when they hold up their open hearts.

Quite a glimpse second have I been through 2 semesters, and by God's grace, they are still okay. Well I think it's it. I'll like to off by now. Peace

New days

Life goes on, and I think I'll be leaving blogger for quite some time. Now, I'm doing my Cambridge A-level Science in RIT (Riam Institute Technology). We all call the college  'riamtec'.

I was so edgy yet psyched when I first got into the college vicinity. It's going to be a total difference to my chung hua secondary school time, I guessed. Everyone's unfamiliar to me, well, I had seen some of the faces before (perhaps people who had the same tuition classes with me) but I still felt so brand-new.

There were orientation days on the first day and the second day. And, I was so bored on the first day. All the more the huge ceiling fan in the hall wasn't working and people sweltered in the hot stifling air. What's more, everybody was packed so closely together. We fanned ourselves, apparently not attending to what the person on stage was talking.

I got to know a very talkative boy on my left, who's from Limbang, and a Pakistan whizz-kid, who had graduated when she's 15 years old. She said it's very common in Brunei (She's from Brunei). She turned up in college in the age of 16. I was flabbergasted and went like, "Gosh, I'm 19!", and she giggled like a freak.

The talkative boy's name was Anthony, while the one and only Pakistan girl in riamtec was Nida. She sounded it like  奶大. Hey, I'm not perverted, okay, although I called my cat 'Nai Nai'. It's not the point anyway. Whatever.

Anthony was sticking to me during the break. I went to explore the compound of the college. I got to know the air-conditioned canteen with transparent glass wall behind the main block. It was thronging with crowds of students. I didn't want to elbow my way along the congested population, so I decided to get back to the hall.

After the break, we went to the hot kiln (hall) again. Guess what’s more 'surprising'? It's our executive chairman, Dato' Dr Fong gave his speech on stage! I didn't know why the time's dragging its heels so slowly, and obviously everyone's thinking his talk was akin to a lullaby, as how Nida pronounced on. "I couldn't stand it anymore," said Anthony, before he took out his i-pad and ignore the whole world with his Chinese novel and games.

Then, his microphone was cracking to life. Oh, that's it. His microphone wasn't on for the whole session! He must have pissed the committee members off because his voice might be a den to them. They purposely turned off the microphone.

After that, we got on stage for a snap. And the committee member told us to mouth the word 'money'. So, everyone's looking at the focal lens of the camera and went, "Moneeeyyyyy". The next day, our snapshot went viral through the daily newspaper, in which everyone looks like a freak.

After the photo-taking session, we were divided into several groups. I was in group 9 with two team leaders, Vivian and Ah long. Vivian had a plump body and a big voice box. She spoke as if she's shouting. Ah Long was very serious. We then sat cross-legged in a circle and were instructed to know the name of each other. They elaborated that it'd gonna be useful in the next game. A surprise came: the rain was pouring down in buckets. Everybody's shouting out their names for their introduction. At the end of the day, we were so annoyed that we stood closer to each other to know their names, as time's running out. 

And guess what’s even more 'surprising'? They wanted us to rattle off every team member's name! We were beating the sound of the rain to complete the game. After that, we went to play some games, such as passing the rubber band by using straw on our lips, station games, and more.

Lastly, we're knocked out and we were all homeward bound. When I returned home, I was speared from the realisation that I didn't know the location of my A-level class! My voice hung in the air, "Noooo..."

She's cute

She's cute, her name's Miu Miu. 

Miu miu is my pet, I mean, our pet. My family and I always loved to indulge Miu Miu's whim, even though she's quite stuck-up and overbearing sometimes. We didn't feel a jot of reluctance to be of her service, feeding her with cat foods as well as pleasing her. As she had swept us off our feet, we felt highly honoured to be her steadfast servants. On the top of that, miu miu got her charm over us when she did cuddle around our legs. It's furry and smooth, that's why we always stroke her fur. Nancy, my second younger sister, uttered that it's her booster! It's so true that we were all addicted to her.

However, her fur got hard on mum as she found it a hassle to sweep her locks of fur away from the floor everyday. But then, Mum didn't put any grievances, thinking that it's worth the doing. "No sweat," she said, after getting along with Miu Miu.

After waiting on Miu Miu for several years, we had got the knack of feeding her foods. We had to direct her to the place where her foods laid. It's very easy to know if she's hungry by listening to her meow. If it's a drawl, then she should be famished. After that, the plastic container would be opened before the food was popped on the back of its lid.

She'd start eating but sometimes she'd get fiddle-minded and look at you that she got no appetite. To see to such a problem, mum bought her appetizers that pandered to her likes. She once loved salty seaweeds, then Da Fa fish piece, and now, she preferred her favourite anchovies. We needed to topped them on her cat foods. Yet, last time she's still headstrong not to eat her foods, we'd need to talk polished sweet-nothings to her. In short, she was treated even better than any of the dowager empresses during the historical times. She required company during her meals, otherwise she'd wheel around and left after just a bite. After waiting her to eat her fill, we turned out to be her waitstaff, retrieving her food back to the container.

You'd think that they were complicated procedures but neither did we slip off any gripes, nor we did them in a slipshod manner. Deep from the bottom of our hearts we took miu miu as one of our family members and she got her rights and prerogatives as a household too. A sound that was akin to a chugging engine would be vibrating from her body, indicating her bliss. We didn't know it back then but we came to our sense when mum told us it's a telltale sign of her happiness.

She had no qualms about turning up when mum called her out. When she did, she'd meow at mum as though she's chit-chatting with her. She liked mum's huggies very much. She'd meow a few times as if telling mum to be ready, and she leapt into mum's open arms. Mum told her church fellows about miu miu's craving for hugs but they disbelieved her stories. My elder sis, joanna, shared it with her friends too and they were all awestruck. Besides, when she's seriously lack of love, she'd bite mum's face gently. I got hold of the evidence - I took some candid snapshots whenever she did them. She sought the attention from mum to give her hugs or foods by popping over her paperwork, mostly when mum's knee-deep in her accounting job in the morning. She approached and pinned her claws on mum's top. Mum couldn't help to hold her in her arms.

Sometimes, she enjoyed mum's hug too much that she didn't want to be put down! It resorted mum to bait her down by tricking her with anchovies. Otherwise, she'd keep clinging herself on mum and mum couldn't get on her jobs. What's more, I even pictured this - Mum's holding miu miu in her arms while talking with her friends whose arms were also dominated by their own babies. Those babies snuggled up to their mothers' shoulders and looking at miu miu who did the same with appraising eyes.

Miu miu got a clout over us and friends we got along. I remembered joanna told us that her friends who once frowned upon cats were changed after she filled them in about miu miu's amusing behaviours.

Predestined

I guess everything is predestined. Life's a labyrinth and we are the players. Sometimes, we don't know how to tear the crushing walls down, having been despondent and miserable. Not going to expect, and to hope, when we have already tripped really hard onto the ground, we dare not to go through the same pain, as we don't know when and how we are straining to pick ourselves up.

I took up every opportunity but they blow up, expected them to glow but they dulled... The world is brimmed with bias and prejudice. The saying comes along, 'you will reap what you sow'; however, it isn't as convincing as how my experiences enlighten me. There's something you desired that you can't really achieve.

Watching a Singapore drama ' Show Hand', I got to know this very touching song. The lyrics resonated:

生命像一座迷宮 

未來懸在二選一的分岔口

 眼前是絢麗的彩虹 

還是殘忍的黑洞

我不要每次都流淚收場 

我不要每次摔得遍體鱗傷

 這一切到底是怎樣 

我頑強的抵抗 

要怎麼摧毀你鞏的牆 

我要不一樣

PETRONAS Youngstar Day 2014

Chapter 3


The next day, I woke up at 4.30am. I was reluctant to get myself off the bed. After some procrastination, I groggily got up at 5.30am to spruce myself up for the selection test. I knew this was going to be bad because I wasn’t energetic and not up to focusing on things. This taught me a lesson – get yourself a good sleep before anything important.

I was dressed in a formal wear and went down to the voluminous main lobby with my father. I staggered up the staircase to the second floor where the event would be going on. There were only a scarce number of shortlisted applicants at 7.10am. So, I moseyed by the hallway with plush sofas arrayed along the long balustrade.

By the way, I did remember mum’s advice - never forget to smile. As soon as I sat on a sofa, another unacquainted candidate came into view. I smiled at him, and he grinned back. Subsequently, he sat on the settee in front of me. To break the solemn silence, I decided to strike up a friendly conversation with him. So, he was from Sarikei. Not as difficult as I thought, I made friends with him. A jiffy later, Qi Zheng turned up and he sat beside me, and the three of us hit it off with each other.

We went to line up at the counter for registration at 7.30am. We were given a card tag to be hung around our necks and our breakfast was ready at another counter. I had my breakfast with the Sarikei dude, while we picked up our hearty chat to kill time. Then we got to know the Sibu boy in front of the Sarikei boy.

So, a small tip here – make as many friends as you can. Chatting with them may counteract the effect of your jitters.


After breakfast time, we attended to the briefing in a big hall as stated in the rejoining instructions. Next, we were divided into two groups, A and B, according to our cards in our name tag. I was in B group.

Candidates in A group did the interview first, while those who were in B group did the Maths and Science Test. We were brought to another room to have the test. However, I couldn’t believe it when the instructor told us not to use scientific calculators. And, I went like what? But then, the rejoining instructions had mentioned that we should bring our own scientific calculators. If we didn’t use it during the test, what we were supposed to do with it? Can you beat that!

Chill, Alexander, chill out. I still could do it without wielding my trusty tool: my calculator. Nonetheless, repeating ‘I can do it’ wasn’t enough to beat it. I hardly remembered anything since I had not touched books for 4 months. Those physics questions really put me through a labyrinth. I was at a loss in the face of time depletion.

Time’s up and I had to submit my answer sheet. I looked over at Qi Zheng’s face and his expression exuded confidence. I guaranteed he’s doing pretty well. After that, I followed the throng to the room where group A’s candidates had first been. We were then split into 4 groups amongst group B’s candidates. I took a seat with unfamiliar people around a table. We exchanged glances with each other awkwardly. It was getting even colder.

We were assigned a case study for a topic. Then, we got to pore over it prior to grubbing ideas out of our brains. Without any discussion amongst our groups, we scribbled down our ideas on a piece of paper. 30 minutes later, we were sent to the imposing hall where the morning briefing was held for the interview. After every individual in the group had been called on for interview, the whole group was compelled to have a group discussion.


Chapter 4


I prayed along the way down to the chamber where my interview would be taken. It’s battle time! Knocking the door for attention, I was told to be seated; yet, I jolly well know the proprieties of interviews, and hence I shook hands with the interviewers before taking a seat.

They started to study my gait, my demeanour, and my expressions with their appraising eyes before introducing themselves. As they asked me to introduce myself, I told them my name, age, former school, and family. Soon after the introducing part, they want me to air my viewpoints about the subject of case study. Nodding in acquiescence, I duly went on with my points of view that had crossed my mind.

10 minutes later, they cut me off. The interviewer commented that I got so many points. She asked me a question, and I paused shortly, apparently stumping for words. Yet, I did my best to answer her in case I fell in a spot.

I wasn’t relieved much as the interview had been wrapped up. After all our teammates had had the interviews, we had our group discussion in the same chamber. We pooled our recommendations and talked it over to reach a general consensus for a definite solution. I strained to err on the side of caution to avoid speaking out of turn. I just suggested my opinions and recommendations. Oh well, to coin a phrase, don't let your subjective attitudes affect your objective assessment. Bear in mind that it's a discussion, not a dominant debate. It's better not to rob your teammates of their presentation time. Team-spirit is paramount at the top of priorities. After all, I was still bested by my teammates’ performances. I’ve got to hand it to them - they fared jolly well.

We laughed off all the burdens on our way out of the hall. Preceding the critical reasoning test in the afternoon, we need to grab a bite. I chattered with my teammates with punch and speed during the lunch time. We segued into conversations of our schools, friends, and hometowns.

After lunch, we had the critical reasoning test. Like the name itself, it tested your logic thinking, reasoning skills, and time management. It’s as tough as what we had been clued in by the instructor. I was dead sure of it because I had done the test online and I failed it terribly. It’s necessary to manipulate your time well, otherwise time may manipulate you. Make it snappy, but you have got to ensure that your answers are accurate and reasonable.

So, after an arduous exam, I was dead beat. The surge of adrenaline and bad hormones were quelled somehow beneath a watery cool. The event ended much earlier than I thought. I presupposed it should end at 6pm but it just ended at 3.30pm. I boarded AK6188 back to Miri airport. I went off like the light of the candle, fast asleep.

To sum up, I really had a whale of a time making friends and of all stuffs I did there. My wish was all the same like any other candidates: to be chosen for the PESP. Nevertheless, I wasn’t expecting much from getting shortlisted because I wasn’t satisfied with my performance. If I put my success in percentage, it would be 30%. Anyway, I hope my experience of attending this event can help those participants in the future. Best of luck and all the best!



(End)