Trust and mistrust

Trust is a hard term for me. Mistrust is an issue when you have gone too far. In the progress of growing up, I have learnt from experiences, by observing my family and particularly, my parents, that mistrust is a way to deal with uncertainties, and insecurities. People are the uncertainties and the most insecure of all. A relationship isn't as easy as ABC, nor would it be like one plus one equal to 2. It's more than the most knotty mathematical equations or complicated physics theories. 

In my childhood, constant tease by friends has established an indefinitely low self-esteem. It was more apparent when I was dragged into adolescence. Keeping away myself from possible development of friendships had given me many considerable implications, and it isn't hard to tell because my appearance gave away my lack of confidence. 

Now in the earlier twenties, I told myself that I need to drive all those negatives away and start afresh, but will I be able to? Doubts and uncertainties sink in again. Much more what-if go on and on. 

Trust is the fundamental stepping stone for all relationships. Despite the killing truth, I can't give a damn trust to myself, let alone the people around me. There again, those frigging emotions are playing tricks with me. Speaking of trust, everybody has a side where we will leave some spaces in our hearts lest people will stab our behinds because we know we don't mind to be stabbed and hurt, but the agonizing part is nothing more than the dark truth that it is whom we love and care for do such a thing to us.

And, when we are so conformed into the society, we tend to lose the authenticity of ourselves. We want to be somebody. People say that weak men show negative emotions, and will be judged as immature. So they bottle things up and get schizophrenia, or otherwise, a mental sickness that could possibly result in suicidal thoughts. Society has a certain standard and norm, and whom not following would be deemed weird and odd. And what considered to be not weird may lead us to the thesis of human psychology. 

So, people say you need to start to believe yourself before you can overcome your trust issue. It looks so simple. But hell, how? Low self-esteem and lack of confidence over years can be solved miraculously by just believing yourself. From there, we would talk about having steadfast faith in God, before believing yourself. It seems that decades of prayers aren't sufficed to learn to keep my faith. I encountered some comebacks, that action speaks louder than words. I suppose action requires dauntless steps to which I am still learning to conquer.

It is going to be 5 more weeks until the real A2 exams. I have still not yet reached my goals. So, I would just have to keep my eyes on God and do whatever I can. God may use a lifetime to teach me a lesson. Every obstacle is small paces closer towards Him.