Don't forget

We tend to forget a lot of dreams made when we were still a little boy. So am I. When I was young, I would dream of being a big guy who is to everyone's liking and is the friendliest and nicest.

However, I found out that as the years had gone, I grew up to acknowledge the importance of happiness. It's greater than wealth. There was a list of 'don't-forget' when I was an adolescence, to the future me.

1) don't forget about living a life

2) don't forget about the passion in drawing.

3) don't forget about giving back money to my parents as I have a job.

4) don't forget to be yourself.

5) don't forget to smile.

6) don't forget about God.

The last one has used to be the one I forgot the most in my life. Without it, I'm nothing. So, by now I'm pursuing something bigger in life - my future career - the so-called success. A question in my mind brought upon by the past till now and then, it still remains, ' is that what I want?' 

Maybe. It could be, or not. I don't know. But another question follows, ' is that what God wants?' That's the hardcore part of all. That leaves me in clouds of doubt. 

I wanted success. I want positiveness, happiness, unbroken family, many friends, a good listener, an inspirational speaker, a life that shines when other souls are bleak, a warm heart that console when the close ones are down and most of all, I covet God 's approval.

I have nothing in life but Him. Thinking of the past did fail me, especially when the past reminded me of those that I could have achieved and those that I have not yet achieved, but God is my strength, He will lead me through stormy waters because when I have God, I have everything. 

Drama

I used to vent a lot here than in the realistic world I live in. It could be because I'm not the kind of outspoken person. And when I did, they brought along with barbs and negativity. I have always wanted to be the positive man among all the people around me but I found out that the negative world is much easier to affect me than the other way round. So it was actually quite sad.

Speaking of barbs, I thought of recent events similar to such. I had been trying hard to lighten up awkward formal conversations by just adding some jokes. Maybe I had tried damn too hard and push it too far, so things have got little backfired. 

During the days of my exams, I was so sick of books and study. My chemistry lecturer was actually a devoted educationalist in her field of study. She was also my tutor. After the arduous chemistry exams, I watched quite a few short Buzzfeed video clips on YouTube to wind down a little bit. By the time her message popped out on my phone's screen asking how the exam had been going, I was just answering her perfunctorily because I have got them all behind me, but actually it was more to the reason of getting rid of distractions. Should I ignore her message? She then reminded me of the late payment of the tuition fee but I was so out of my mind to reply. 'Okay if that's all you concerned' I replied. That was supposed to be a joke. I waited for her reply for like quite a few minutes while I laughed at my joke.

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It went like this for a long time, before the missile went off.

'What do you mean? '

What was it? Did I say something wrong?

'You are rude'

Damn, was this an off-limit? Or was that I was too flippant and insensitive. I was dead meat, no shit. I should apologise.

'Sorry, I didn't mean it.'
'I'm so sorry..'

Typing...

'I may not want you for tuition.'

Really, girl? Are you serious? 

Yep, so she took it very seriously then. Little did I know how unbecoming it was to hit those lines with a very stern yet sensitive lecturer, and she was not even my silly friends.

'I am very sorry about those insensitive words I have said, please forgive me. I promised I would not talk stupidly again.'

Seen

She hung everything up in the air, casting me to wonder if she had forgiven me or not. And, I was left very disconcerting over the undecided denouement of these dramatic twists and turns.

The very next day was my critical thinking exam. I was not prepared well underway, neither it physically nor mentally.

I didn't know if I would face the music or it could be worse. I came up to her and addressed the tuition fee to her followed by a repentant apology. She heard me saying but she kept burying in her work and told me, 'no talking and go out.' Distant and cold.

So, everyone, brace yourself. This would be very dramatic. 

The money in my hand stuck in the stationary air of absolute zero, and all the lecturers around seemed so disinterested. With a blank mind, I just did what she told and went away from the staff room, away from the hell world, and back to the classroom. I gave a phone call to Mum to ask her if she could talk her out, in a shimmer of hope that she might listen to parents instead of some guilty bastards like me.

Despite the fact, she didn't pick up my mum's call. Past year papers were on the table in front of me but none of the words was taken in. And with that unsettled emotions, I went into the exam room, praying that those emotions would not reign over me.  Also, if you are interested, she was my invigilator for the critical thinking exam. What to expect when it could possibly be something even worse? I suppose that would probably be my CT paper with the questions I had no idea how to solve.

And now, I didn't give a shit. I made a drama out of every single thing in my life. I screwed up. That's all you had to know.  

But, at least, I should clear things up. So, I decided to return to the staff room after the exam ended. The tuition fee should be paid to her. Everything would be just fine, or maybe not. Facing her again, I pleaded with her to keep the money. This time, her voice sounded more indifferent, 'no, you just read my message and that's it.' It cast me in clouds of doubt, what message she was referring to?

Along the way to the parking lot, I was too preoccupied to listen to my friends' discussion about the CT paper. I gave way to much of the uneasiness in my head. Back at home, I checked the message and I read ' keep the money to yourself. Please Do not come to see or call me thank you'.

I still could not believe that I had written the entire post about her. Jeez

You might think I'm so dumb as it's not a big deal to have her as my tutor. In spite of these dramas going on, she is really good in the lectures. She just has her styles of dealing with stuff. I remembered in one of her tuition classes, she talked smack about her previous student. She was totally annoyed with the student who bumped into her but didn't come up to greet her. He only recognized her when he wanted a recommendation from her for a job. She criticized the student as one of those practical realistic bunch who only curried favour with people only to cater their needs.

So, yeah, probably that was what I had been so concerned about.. 

I know nothing what would be going on next but what I know was that I could possibly be one of her spicy add-on in her future conversation with more lecturers and students. Who knows? I only knew that for the past 3 weeks, she sent me to Coventry, not even making any eye contact. And for God knows how long it would take for all these cold shoulders to last, so she could start to talk to me again, even though I jolly well know it would never revert to that as before.

So I score an F for my social life, as I have admitted long ago. Apologies won't change anything as what's done has been done, what's broken could be hard to be fixed and the only hope I found was in my spiritual prayer with God. Nothing could be changed, so I could only leave it to the time and to God.

Dude, get real! Nobody cares anyway, and the point was that she was old and senile. I don't think I should expect more.



Happy weekends.